You’ve weathered his last two iPhones, that addictive sport game app you can’t be bothered to understand, and the day he cried on your shoulder about the loss of his Beats headphones—but can you two make it through his Apple Watch purchase? You’ve stopped trying to stop him from buying it. Resistance is futile. How will you hold his attention in light of a device that is strapped to his arm and constantly in his field of vision?
Make bacon EVERY morning.
Guys love meat, particularly bacon. But a couple dozen slices will only take him away from his watch for ten minutes at best. Try to really sear a positive association between you and his stomach into his brain by cooking up bacon at every opportunity. He may still be looking at his watch, but the pleasure centers in his brain are spending at least a little time thinking, “Mhmm, bacon woman” for a small part of the day.
Hide his Apple Watch, then “find” it.
He’ll writhe in pain for a few minutes, unable to focus on you while bearing the full weight of the loss of his precious, so make this quick. When you “find” the watch in his pants pocket, there’ll be a momentary look of real love directed at you before he quickly returns to looking at the watch. Savor it!
Put Apple Watches on your boobs.
Buy two Apple Watches. Get the Edition ones if you can possibly afford them (the only thing that will really distract your guy from his Apple Watch is a more expensive Apple Watch!). Put them on your boobs. While he’s looking at your boobs and trying to grab the watches off of them with toddler-like captivation, remember a time when he admired you.
Read up on Apple rumors.
Again, only better, newer Apple products will beat out his new Apple product, so do some research, scouring sites like macrumors.com to try to find out what’s the biggest, newest, most exciting bit of technology Apple has in store for his future. He’ll be looking at you to watch the Apple info fall out of your mouth, and his ears might even start to perk up at the sound of your voice.
Remember, this product, like all past Apple products will slowly fade in his heart, as Apple develops newer, sleeker, and then sharper, and then bigger, and then sleeker again, and then sharper products. But in the meantime, you need to initiate some of these measures in the hopes that he remembers your name, and what girls are, and the world and that he should eat and drink water to survive.
