When you’re feeling melancholy, all you want is something delicious to remind you that life’s worth living. The solution is simple: you need some comfort food that’s fucking impossible to digest! Here’s a list of our favorite comfort foods that are tasty, consoling, and damn-near unwilling to pass through your body! Any and all of these yum-o dishes will distract you for a bit before wreaking havoc on your entire system.
1. Bacon Mac & Cheese
MMMmmm—bacon! You know what makes bacon even better? Some cheese. And also some macaroni. Have your insides rolling in saturated, hard-to-digest fats for the moment of transcendence that precedes digestion. Mix these physically exhausting delicacies all together and you’ve got yourself one bomb-ass comfort food staple! Speaking of staples, once you finish this meal, you’ll seriously consider vertical banded gastroplasty surgery because of how poorly you feel. Worth it!
2. Fried Chicken & Waffles with Maple Syrup and Butter
This classic Southern combo is sweet, savory, and anything but refreshing… in a good way! Clocking in at 1,300 calories for one portion, not only will this cheer you up and drown out your depression, it’ll help you sink right back into that depression for several more days! Your body will probably go into a near-coma trying to digest this dense, sugary, fat-laden gluten explosion! Tastiness/Indigestion just comforted you right in the gut!
3. Pork Chop Stew with Sour Cream in a Bread Bowl
Now we’re getting into some deeper territory, so buckle up if you’re down for the ride! This comfort-food remix is best served in a freshly baked bread bowl filled with pork, potatoes, pancetta, a carrot (don’t worry, you won’t taste it), and some egg noodles! Thwap on some sour cream, and you, my friend, have yourself one luscious, comforting concoction, at least for the first ten minutes. Desolation takes a back seat to this shit (and then a front seat for several hours afterward)! Make sure you’re sitting down completely while eating, and try not to do anything that requires any level of physical activity for at least two days after!
4. Beef Hash with Cheesy Grits
If there’s one thing more delicious than meat, it’s just gotsta be cow meat! Moo-ve over and make room for this tasty hash dish that’s stick-to-your-ribs delectable and stick-to-your-insides regrettable! If you’re gastronomically myopic like the rest of us, all that matters in the meantime is the scrumptious sensation of cow meat and creamy, cheddary grits sliding down your body-tubes. Just you TRY to be gloomy when all the blood flow to your brain is slowing! This is comfort!
5. Pastrami Sandwich Pot Pie
Just like mama used to make…if your mama didn’t want you to make it out of the house tonight! A delicate mix of smoked pastrami, bread, cheese, mustard, a pickle, gravy, and some other shit is baked lovingly into a Crisco pie crust and cooked to golden-brown perfection! We can’t wait for you to try this nummy, numbing delight (just be sure you’ve cleared everything up with your health insurance first)! The best part about this toothsome goody is it’ll quickly take you out of the dumps! Speaking of dumps, though, this dish will almost certainly give you IBS for life!
After chowing on any of these SUPER tasty and soothing gut bombs, there’s no WAY you’ll still be bummed out about life’s tiny troubles! Mostly ‘cause you’ll be shifting around uneasily and coping with the egregious disaster you just ingested, but also ‘cause they taste SO good!