Shopping with your teenage daughter can be a pain, and sometimes, you just don’t want to be seen with her. Whether you need to ditch her to grab some sorely needed alone time, or you because flirting with the PacSun employees makes you feel young again, here are some simple statements that will keep your daughter away from you at the mall.
“I don’t mind if you’re embarrassed of me and want to split up.”
This is probably the most common tactic moms employ to get their daughter the hell away from them at the mall, but it’s not an ideal option. Yes, it protects your daughter’s feelings, but it also leaves you open to getting burned if she sees you having a dance party in Hollister with the door models. Plus, why should you act like you’re the subject of embarrassment? She’s the one with braces.
“Here’s money, now please just let me sit here, three feet away from you.”
This works well if you’re rich. And even if you’re not rich, it still might be worth it for a goddamn second of time away from that loser daughter of yours. Make sure the bench you’ve chosen is far away from her favorite stores, so you can’t hear her asking if they have more Jack Skellington merchandise. In your own little corner by the koi pond, you can easily slip into a fantasy where you had cool kids.
“Sephora’s giving makeovers to orphans, go in without me!”
This is a great tactic if you sort of love your daughter and don’t want to hurt her feelings. It’s also great if you’re daughter is not that bright and will believe this is an actual promotion Sephora is having.
“Get away from me, you little weirdo.”
Being honest about your feelings with your daughter is something she’ll appreciate. Teenagers may be extremely sensitive, but they’re also sensitive to your bullshit. A simple, blunt sentence said through gritted teeth is sure to be effective. Chances are, your daughter won’t even want to walk near you when she’s a grown adult!
(Don’t say anything, just speed walk through the crowd until you lose her.)
If she’s smart, she’ll get the hint. If she’s not, she should be easy to shake. Nothing kills the high of a well-dressed Nordstrom shoe salesman making eyes at you faster than a gangly 12-year-old begging for Cinnabon. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Remember: Just because you’re a mom doesn’t mean you have to be one at the mall.