Face it: if your crush hasn’t noticed you by now, he probably never will because you’re just not good enough for him. But there’s still hope! Tons of guys out there are below average and ripe for the picking. You just need to know where to find them – here’s how to find a guy in your league, and how you can effortlessly make them yours:
The Full-Time Gamer
Is you dating scene a post-apocalyptic wasteland? Go underground! There are basements all over America where your future champion sits perched in front of a TV. Gone are the days of trying to guess where your man went of what he’s doing. If you date a gamer, you’ll always know exactly where to find him. To get his attention, create a buxom zombie-blasting avatar with dark red lipstick and tribal tattoos. If you really want to blow his mind, prove you’re an actual living breathing human woman by showing up at his mom’s place with a Big Gulp of Mountain Dew Code Red. He may not be your knight in shining armor, but he’ll definitely take you as his queen.
The High School Dropout
He can’t read above an eighth grade level and still counts on his fingers, but he’s got that bad boy image. You remember him snapping the bra straps of the girl sitting in front of him when you secretly wish it were you. And now it can be! He’s the perfect date for the tightly wound modern woman. His cheap weed and willful ignorance are sure to remind you there’s more to life than careers and ambitions. Play hooky for the day, drink forties under the train tracks, throw rocks at stray cats and have a lasting and fulfilling relationship!
The Multiple Divorcée
This guy is a hopeless romantic who just loves love. Not just love, though; he loves marriage. You’ll have no trouble talking this fella into nuptial bliss. His tux is dry cleaned and ready to go. He already has enough children, so you get the benefits of motherhood without wreaking havoc on your body. The apartment he won’t sell after moving in with you is also great for storage. All of those other marriages were just practice – for you!
The Closet Case
He’s well dressed and has a lot to prove. Although most men would be jealous of your guy friends, he encourages you to have them over. Count on thoughtful gifts, fashion tips, and overwhelming public displays of affection. If you’re the type of girl who likes it from behind, he’s perfect for you. The best part is, he doesn’t want the lights on while you make love, either!
The Convicted Felon
Every girl wants a man who will kill for her. Prison is a cold and lonely place where hundreds of single men are lusting for a taste of life on the outside. Send him a letter and make the connection while he’s still behind bars. Don’t worry about feeling attractive enough. He’s known nothing but his own hand and a crude fuck bag for the past decade.
Remember, no matter how desperate you are, there’s a man out there more desperate than you!