If you’ve been following the runways or looking at the Instagrams of your cool, fashionable, conventionally attractive friends, you’ve no doubt noticed that turtlenecks are all the rage right now. Oh, turtlenecks: They were there to hide hickeys from your parents when you were a teenager, and now, that frumpy jumper is back to make you look kind of bloated and feel just a little too warm indoors. Whether it’s the weird chokiness of the collar or the way the chunky knits cling awkwardly to your torso, here are some turtlenecks you can feign confidence in while focusing on what’s most important: being on-trend.
1. Susana Monaco Turtleneck Crop Top (Revolve Clothing, $101)
There’s nothing hotter than a turtleneck that really doubles down on your insecurities. With its cropped cut and high collar, you can get that little chin-chub while still exposing your stomach. Go big or go home, am I right? If around midday you start to feel like maybe this look isn’t working, simply do an impression of a confident person: back straight, chin up, brow unfurrowed. Maybe this is who you are!
2. Fendi Fur-Trim Bug-Eye Turtleneck Top (Saks Fifth Avenue, $1450)
This sweater’s great because it takes the turtleneck trend to fashionable new heights, and takes you from a frumpy turtleneck woman to a weird, frumpy turtleneck woman. Do your avant-garde thing and try to pretend you’re rocking it even when you know you look like a quirky art teacher’s sock. Say to yourself, “I am a sexy turtle.” There you go! You look more comfortable with this choice of top already.
3. BOSS Farbolla Side Zip Turtleneck Sweater (Nordstrom, $236.98)
The cool thing about this turtleneck is that it exposes your arms, which is the opposite of what a sweater is supposed to do. How fashionable and unexpected! It also boasts a side zipper, which means there’s easy access to your lumpy, heat rash-covered body. Pretend like someone would like what they saw if your zipper slid down, which it will, and they won’t. Oh well!
4. Rumour London Mia Red Ribbed Turtleneck Sweater (Wolf and Badger, $176)
While the newest wave of t-necks offers some extremely out-there takes, this Rumour London turtleneck looks like an old standby from Talbots. You’ll look like your mom in your family’s Christmas card from 1998, which is now a good thing! Go ahead and feign your way to feeling good about this shirt. It’s not dated; it’s normcore!
5. Helmut Lang Cotton-Angora Turtleneck Sweater (Lane Crawford, $240)
The Helmut Lang turtleneck is the perfect mix of tight and thin to really accentuate your shape, or whatever shape your turtleneck decides you should be. It might decide to be too-thin over your chest so every seam of your bra shows through, but then hang loosely around your hips like a half-shed rattlesnake skin. Men love a little mystery, so let them wonder, “What the fuck is going on under there?” while never even giving your clavicle a chance to distract them. Being unsexy is sexy, even for people who aren’t already sexy!
There you have it: five fun, cumbersome sweaters for you to fake confidence in this winter. Because nothing’s more rightnow than looking like an uncircumcised penis while being lightly choked. Yay, fashion!
