Your older cousin Nikki has always been way cooler than you. Now that the holidays are just around the corner, here are some fun, trashy pastimes you can do together to reconnect!
1. Sneak into a movie, then talk the whole time.
Nikki was the one who taught you that paying for movie tickets is for “preppy bitches who spend Daddy’s money” back when you were seven years old. Now that you’re mature enough to be trusted not to tattle, ask her if she wants to see The Hunger Games “slick-style”. She’ll know what you mean! Nikki still has the side door code from when her high school boyfriend worked at AMC (duh!), so hit the road as soon as Christmas dinner is over. Once you’re inside, treat yourself to a full-voiced conversation about which characters are hot, which ones are dumb, and which ones “have got to be fucking kidding me right now.” Anyone saying “Shhh!” is really saying, “Dang, I wish I had a cool older cousin like Nikki!”
2. Smoke in a bar bathroom.
You are old enough to drink, but are still enough in awe of Nikki to offer to DD whenever you’re in town. She will LOVE the opportunity to take a night off from tricking her 1997 Cutlass Supreme’s Breathalyzer. Once you’re posted up at Diggy’s Irish Pub, take a break from vaping over Jägers to smoke some real cigarettes in the bathroom. You were in kindergarten when she was in high school (well, before she got expelled), but this will definitely feel like you two are cutting class together (even though you would never have done that to your GPA). But she sure would and did! She’s so cool, ugh.
3. Hit an online casino, hard.
So maybe Nikki’s hobbies are a little different from yours—you love book club, she loves dating men who can’t read—but that doesn’t mean you two can’t compromise and enjoy one of her favorite activities together. Ask her if she knows a way to make a little extra holiday cash, quick, and watch her hit the online casino. Wow, that was fast! Play the slot games until you make a profit, which shouldn’t take too long with Nikki’s expertise on your side. This is way more fun than that time Nikki convinced you to call Grandma a “big ass” when you were three—which is saying something, because that was hilarious. Go Nikki!
4. Catfish somebody for like 20 minutes.
Nikki knows about your boyfriend (she’s convinced he’s gay because he’s only one inch taller than you—she’s so funny!), but you can still pretend to be single for a little yuletide catfishing! She’s the master when it comes to messing with people for brief periods of time, and claims to have invented the practice of catfishing back in 1997 when she convinced the moderator of a PacSun message board that she was Cindy Crawford and got him to send her a ton of free skateboard wheels. Let Nikki take her skills for a spin by making the new intern at work think that she’s a lonely part-time model who’s in love with him, only to send an ussie of the two of you captioned, “GOTCHA!!!” 25 minutes later. Sorry Kyle, but this is cool older cousin time! You can join in once you get hired for real, haha! But only if Nikki says it’s okay.
5. Shoplift.
Nikki taught you about the “five-finger discount” back in 2002, after you saw her in a reflective vest picking up trash on the parkway and asked her about it. Now that she’s paid her debt to society, ask if she’ll join you for one last job. You both know that body jewelry kiosk next to the Hallmark store in the mall has a major blind spot due to a poorly placed sandwich board, so get down there and get stealin’! Remember: It’s only a crime if Uncle Warren refuses to represent you in court again because it’s the third time this year.
Cousins are special, but older cousins who love having a little trashy fun? Now that’s the jackpot! Love you, Nikki!
