It’s the holiday season: a time to reflect, to appreciate, and most importantly, to forget what your fourth grade boyfriend said to you over 20 years ago because it’s in the past and you were both so young! Sure, you’re both home for the holidays, and you could conceivably meet up and ask him if he has more perspective on the abrupt “you’re mean” breakup explanation he gave you 20 years ago, but it’s much easier to drink until you forget about it. Here are the best signature cocktails for you to celebrate the holiday season and stop analyzing what Jake said to you when you were nine years old..
Santa’s Sleigh Cocktail
The perfect cocktail to forget how he just walked away to the kickball field after, like what you two had was nothing.
2 oz. bourbon
1 oz. brandy
½ oz. simple syrup
Splash fresh lemon juice
Shake and strain into the mug you made in college. You lived so much life after he left you. Move on by sipping on this festive cocktail.
This drink goes down easy, unlike what Jake said, which is great because it will erase those nagging thoughts you still have—are you mean?
1 ½ oz. vanilla vodka
1 oz. peppermint schnapps
1 oz. crème de cacao
1 oz. half and half
2 mini candy canes, crushed
Combine liquid ingredients in a shaker, stir with a bar spoon, pour into a champagne coupe and garnish with candy cane fragments. This is a nice, delicate drink that a mean person certainly couldn’t make.
Chocolate Raspberry Champagne Float
The more you drink these, the better you will feel as you go through yearbook photos from kindergarten to senior year of high school and keep questioning: What if he had seen you for who you really are?
4 oz. champagne
2 oz. chocolate liqueur
1 Tbps. raspberry liqueur
2 oz. half and half
1 tsp. cocoa powder
Pour ingredients into a flute while forgetting about that one time you shoved Brittany’s flute while she was playing it, accidentally splitting her lip. You didn’t mean to hurt her! It was a joke! You are not mean! Garnish with cocoa powder (you are not mean).
This recipe is perfect for forgetting all about how he won field day while you sat on the sidelines and tasted his words, again and again.
6 egg yolks
1 cup sugar
2 cups whole milk
1 cup heavy cream
6 egg whites
All the rum
Leave that dairy crap in the fridge and drink the rum until you fall asleep. You are not mean; you threw two surprise parties for friends this year alone.
The ginger in this drink has a nice bite to it; not like the harsh bite of what Jake said, but pleasant.
2 oz. ginger liqueur
½ oz. vanilla-citrus liqueur
1 oz. coffee-flavored rum
Drizzle of honey
Make it look nice like you saw on that Southern lady website. You’d fit in well in the South because you’re nice and definitely not mean.
The more you drink this the less you will remember how he misleadingly held your hand during Red Rover, just a day before he said those horrible things to you.
¾ oz. Bailey’s Irish Cream
¾ oz. butterscotch schnapps
½ oz. Jagermeister
½ oz. Fireball whiskey
½ oz. half and half
Raw sugar, to coat glass rim
Pinch of cinnamon
Shake liquid ingredients with ice, strain into martini glass rimmed with dry ingredients, and sip while avoiding eye contact with your left hand. You can still feel his sweaty boy palm in yours.
Orange Alcohol Shots
Who are you kidding, you are still remembering his scathing comments and now crying while watching a Hallmark movie. You’re way past cute cocktails, it’s time to move on to shots made from whatever’s in the house!
½ cup orange juice
½ cup Aperol, or any other dusty bottle from the bottom cabinet
Expired wine from fridge
Combine in thermos, take to roof, and stare at the sky, wondering how you could have done things differently.
So there you have it: Drink these, or even all of them, so you can stop remembering, picturing and analyzing the words of your fourth grade boyfriend. You’ve changed!