When you’re chatting with mom on the walk to work Monday morning, she’s bound to ask you for a detailed account of your weekend. You’ll mention brunch, walking across the Brooklyn Bridge, and shopping–but what about when she asks what you did Saturday night? Mom definitely doesn’t need to know about your secret fuck buddy, Dave, so here are four alibis you can keep on retainer for her benefit.
“I just stayed in.”
Mom always says “rest is the best medicine,” so tell her you spent Saturday night doing some light organizing, watching Gilmore Girls, and just plain resting up. She’ll be overjoyed that you actually listened to her and took a night off! And it is true that you stayed in–she just doesn’t know that Dave also stayed deep inside your vagina for at least three hours. Wow, you’re such a good adult!
“I went to a museum.”
Impress your mom by telling her you checked out the Whitney on a little me-date. She‘ll be so excited to tell her co-workers how cultured you are! Unbeknownst to them, you weren’t looking at museum paintings; you were staring at a Scarface poster on Dave’s ceiling while he was going down on you.
“I went to a late-night spin class.”
Mom doesn’t ask if you’ve been exercising, but rather what kind of exercising you’ve been doing. Tell her you went to SoulCycle with your girls and did a Beyoncé-themed class Saturday night. Mom will be so thrilled that you’re using your birthday money to take spin classes. Little does she know you actually used that cash for a 3a.m. Uber home from Dave’s after he fucked your brains out!
“I went on a date with your friend Carol’s son.”
When you say you finally went out with Carol’s son Roger, your mom will be so excited that she’ll actually respect your request not to talk about it. If Roger ever reveals the truth, you can throw a fit about how boys never remember or appreciate you and this is why you don’t date. But of course the real reason you don’t date is because you’re too busy nailing the shit out of Dave!
There’s no need to fret next time your mom asks what you were doing at a time when you were actually boning the hell out of Dave. Just tailor your excuses in a way that will impress her, and she’ll never suspect a thing. You’re living your best self, and your mom will recognize that no matter what.