Looking for a tiny, adorable creature that will understand the extreme anxiety you feel when separated from someone or something you have a strong emotional attachment to? Look no further, because man’s pocket-sized best friend knows heartbreak and isolation, just not as bad as you. These little bundles of insecurities and neediness will finally make you feel normal again. Here are five adoption-ready pups with whom you can grow instantly codependent based on what you both have in common:
Sebastian, 5, Knoxville, TN
Teacup Yorkies have a hard time keeping up with their owners during a stroll. But for Sebastian, it’s more than that. Being tethered emotionally and physically to another living being for any amount of time isn’t just something he never learned how to do because his owner carries him everywhere; it’s also a terrifyingly long distance to put between you and someone you care about. Especially considering that at any given moment, Sebastian’s owner could betray him and let go of the leash, undoing the years of anxious crotch-licking he’s had to do to get here. It sort of feels like all those times Josh told you he loved you but apparently didn’t really mean it—he carried you, then he let you go. Ugh, Josh!!! Why???
Chip, 10, Huntington Station, NY
The shuddering boom of fireworks has been known to scare many dogs, especially smaller “teacup” breeds. Chip hides in closets during the fireworks each year where he can cuddle shirts or sometimes opts for under the sofa where he can sniff the loose change. Sound familiar? Fireworks can be scary, especially since you usually spent the Fourth of July with Josh and now he’s left you for that girl who is both naturally thin and naturally friendly. Fuck!! So now, when you hear the fireworks go off, it reminds you of your failed relationship and inability to truly open up to people, so you retreat to the comfort of a bottle of chard. That’s what it feels like for Chip, too! You are not alone in this.
Angelica, 3, San Francisco, CA
New, unexpected people coming to the door can be a daunting experience for most Teacup Yorkies, who are bred for their small size and not for traits like intelligence or “being a good dog”. Angelica is especially nervous about knockers, most likely because last time a stranger came to the door, it was a guy that you met on a dating app who turned out to be nothing like you pictured him, causing you to instantly burst into tears, slam the door in his face, and spend the evening burning locks of your hair in the bathtub. See why strangers knocking on the door can be scary? So, next time someone knocks on the door, give Angelica a bone to let her know it’s going to be okay (probably)!
Bella, 7, Grand Rapids, MI
Due to their small size and feisty nature, Yorkies are known to be terrible patients, which is too bad because they are also known for their terrible health problems. But you act like that too—because every time someone tries to get close to you and heal your wounds, they end up hurting you even worse! The veterinarian also leaves Bella in a cage for long periods of time where she has to think reflectively about how her habits are negatively affecting her physical health. Remember last time you were left alone long enough to think about how your gluten-based diet is affecting your mood? Pandemonium. So if you do have to take Bella to the vet, remember to give her lots of hugs so she can feel emotionally validated!
Ladybug, 4, Newport, RI
Ladybug, like many Teacup Yorkies, has a problem being alone, partly because she loves spending time with her owner—but mostly because she never took time after college to discover who she was before entering the workplace. So now when her owner goes to work, she barks and howls for hours. Ladybug knows that she’s what many men might call “needy” but she also believes that yearning for her owner when he’s away is what has kept them together all these years. So reconsider adopting a Yorkie if you have a demanding work schedule, and be prepared to make your Teacup Yorkie your first priority or she’ll resent you for it.
Ready to adopt a Yorkie? Their teacup-sized love will fit perfectly in the hole in your heart left by Josh. Josh!!!!
