Scientific studies have confirmed a relationship between what you eat and how well you think. Superfoods like salmon or chia seeds can make you smarter—but they won’t make you smart enough to stop texting your shitty ex-boyfriend, Scott. Nothing can really help you there! Here are five fantastic superfoods that definitely won’t give you the boost you need to cut him out of your life.
A good carb like steel-cut oats gives your brain a steady dose of glucose, which will keep you mentally sharp for tasks like answering emails or staying awake during meetings―basically anything other than healthy communication with your ex. With the help of oats, you’ll be smarter at work, but not quite smart enough to responding to Scott’s 1am texts that just say ‘hey’ with no follow-up. Eat these oats with fruit or yogurt! It doesn’t really matter because you’re still a sucker for a man who can’t write full sentences.
Rich with omega-3 fatty acids salmon pumps your brain full of intelligence. Yet you continue to respond to Scott, who cheated on you with his ex-girlfriend and only wanted you back once you dumped him. Who cares if you eat pesto salmon for dinner every night? You may have less inflammatory neurons, but your brain is dumb enough to answer when he texts you “I’m sorry. :)” as if that constitutes a real apology.
No matter how you choose to eat them, the brain-boosting effects of chia will ultimately prove futile against Scott, who is such a good fuck. Because no matter how smart you are, deep down in your heart, if you go even deeper and past your heart, is your vagina. And no supercharged ancient grain can make your vagina smarter, because it has no brain. Think about that.
Did you know the protein in soy triggers the neurotransmitters associated with memory? Funny, because drinking gallons of soy milk doesn’t seem to help you remember how much you regret every single time you’ve starting speaking with Scott again. Bathe in soy milk! It doesn’t matter. You will forever have amnesia when Scott texts, “Mis me bitch??”.
Caffeine helps improve mental performance, especially alertness and concentration. But it won’t make you alert to the emotional dangers of Scott when he texts you asking if you “jus want to talk.” Why?? Why does drinking a huge cold brew make you a genius work monster, when the only Einstein-level ability you really need right now is the ability to say, “No, I don’t want to talk to you!” Live in a submarine underneath an ocean of coffee.
Eat these superfoods to boost your brainpower throughout the day! Just know that when Scott texts you at night, you might as pull your brain out of your head and throw it in the dumpster because no amount of nutrition can fix your shitty situation!