4 Ways to Stop Texting Jake with “I Dreamt We Had a Baby”

Jake is so hot, it’s only natural that, night after night, you have the same recurring dream where you produce an incredibly gorgeous offspring with him. And of course, you want to tell him about it! But believe it or not, Jake might find a daily text reading, “I had this crazy dream where I was pregnant, and you were the dad, and then when I gave birth to the baby, it looked just like you,” a little…weird. It might be hard, but not texting Jake about your dream babies will be worth it to not have Jake block your phone number. Here’s how to restrain yourself.


Build Up Your Self Control

It takes a lot of willpower to stop yourself from texting Jake, “The weirdest thing just happened! In my dream, we were in my old middle school and then somehow it turned into a submarine, and on that submarine, we were holding an infant that was also our shared child.” Take a deep breath and exercise restraint. Patience is a virtue! Coincidentally, Patience is also the name of the five-year-old you two had together in your Nyquil dream on Thursday night. And no, you can’t just tell him that one detail.


Ask Yourself, “Why Am I Telling Him About Our Fantasy Love Child?”

Think of what will happen when you hit send. Why are you doing this? Is it because you believe that if Jake keeps on knocking you up during your REM cycle, that it’ll happen in real life? It might sound crazy, but Jake is more likely to pump you full of his sperm in real life if you don’t let him know about your dreams of carrying his child. Even if you come up with a “good reason,” to tell him, DON’T!


Keep a Journal of What You Want to Say

Instead of texting Jake about dreams, write them down in a “dream journal”. Your subconscious might be telling you something about yourself – like how badly you want Jake’s manhood to make several little Jakes with you. Now resist the urge to tell Jake about the notebook. It will not go over well. We promise.



Delete His Number from Your Phone

But still write down his number so you have it just in case you need to text him about something important. We’re not talking about the baby dream. Fuck. Not that. You did it again, didn’t you?


Or you can just fucking do it. Because you seem determined to prevent Jake from actually impregnating you with his beautiful baby.