From snail slime to foreskin cells: We were skeptical about these wacky beauty trends, but after testing them out in our office, they made us all orgasm somehow. Huh. We’re not really sure what to say. So here are five beauty products that sound like BS…but actually made us cum everywhere? We’re still figuring it out.
Imselene Donkey Milk Holic Sleeping Mask Pack ($15)
Donkey milk is packed with lots of proteins, minerals and vitamins that supposedly make skin brighter. But does this zany beauty secret actually work? We tried out a pack of Imselene’s Donkey Milk Holic sleep masks and found that, in a way, it does: After just a single use it made us all cum all over the place! Uh…though this wasn’t the result we were expecting, it was some kind of result for sure!
Rodial Bee Venom Eye Cream ($140)
Bee venom sounds absolutely bizzare, but hear us out: Smoothing on the active compound in honey bee venom, called melittin, actually gave each of us a violent, gushing orgasm. Naturally you’re thinking, “What?” At first, we were too. But our small in-house trial of Rodial’s Bee Venom cream showed that this actually happened so we’re just gonna roll with it.
SkinMedica TNS Foreskin Cell Serum ($179)
Using a serum made from foreskin cells sounds insane. So why do it? The fibroblast cells harvested from foreskin secrete growth factors that repair tissue. We tested SkinMedica’s TNS Serum on ourselves and within minutes we had cum so hard and so many times that we literally felt dehydrated and our office was flooded. We mean, whoa…. this stuff proved surprisingly effective. Cool!
Dr. Jart Premium Snail Slime Serum ($54)
Applied to human skin, this snail slime allegedly increases collagen production. We can’t say for sure if that’s true, but we can say that when we used Dr. Jart’s serum, we each survived a vagina-clenching, mind-numbing simultaneous orgasm that destroyed our office and our bodies. Days after our trial we’re still finding the stuff in our copy machine and and all around the break room. So we have to admit that despite this product’s loony ingredients, for the love of god, you should try it.
Hask Henna N’ Placenta Hair Mask ($2)
Perhaps the most ubiquitous of strange beauty products, you can buy a pack of Hask Henna N’ Placenta for $2 at any drugstore in America. The nutrient-rich placenta used in this formula comes from sheep, and it’s an age-old treatment that made us all squirt absolutely everywhere? We swear, hands on our hearts, we’ve never cum so much. For about thirty minutes we couldn’t even see anything because our eyes had rolled so far back into our heads we were worried they’d never come back. Is that normal??? We don’t know. Look, just buy this product. It sounds insane but seriously, just buy it. Fuck.
We wanted to reject these beauty products before trying them because of their BS-sounding ingredients. But now that we know what they can do, we’ll keep using them… We just hope they’re not bad for us?