One of the worst things in the world is when gross losers try to hit on you. And ever since it got warm outside, it feels like it happens every. Single. Day. Nerdos are always doing things like holding doors open (lame!), saying “bless you” when you sneeze (mind your own business), and creepily offering to push your floor button on elevators (stalker much?)… just—no. There’s no WAY you’d ever go for one of these nobodies, no matter how hard they try to have sex with you! Here are some very cool custom letterman jackets from your tall, athletic boyfriend that will show any nerd, geek or dweeb they have ZERO chance!
1. Dark Purple/White Varsity Jacket Letterman Jacket (HollowayUSA.com, $240)
The purple in this super-hunky jacket will elicit thoughts of monarchs, and compared to the rube offering you a tissue on the subway, you might as well be Kate Fuckin’ Middleton! Your boyfriend would squash this little boy’s head if he saw how lame and frail he was, so wear this jacket to stop him before he even thinks about talking to you! Back off, Four Eyes, you’re a queen! Well, a princess. But a queen soon!
2. Dark Royal/White Letterman Jacket (HollowayUSA.com, $240)
The deep blue color of this jacket matches your boyf’s Anglo-Saxon eyes, and the only person it looks better on than him is your sexy ass. Rock this oversized, woolen statement piece at the mall so those four-eyed movie country club employees don’t hit on you again! This classic jacket will make them fear your brute of a man and stop using that corny excuse to flirt with you (“You can’t smoke cigarettes in the pool”). Plus, its cavernous size that normally accommodates your boyfriend’s swollen build makes your legs look so thin by comparison! You’re amazing.
3. Maroon/White Letterman Jacket (HollowayUSA.com, $240)
Let’s say you have to go to the grocery store, and it’s a bit nippy outside. Last time you were there, some dork who worked there asked if you remembered him from elementary school, and that he would let you copy his homework. As if someone like you would let some loser like him do your homework for you! UGH! Also, his paycheck is probably much, much less than your boyfriend’s, whose dad pays him six figures just to show up to the office. Stay warm and avoid any confrontation at all by wearing this roomy, maroon jacket that obviously belongs to an all-American dreamboat. If anyone living on less than $75,000 a year sees it, they’ll get the hint—you don’t date poor people unless they’re hot! End of story!
4. Kelly Green/White Letterman Jacket (HollowayUSA.com, $240)
This one’s a little bit more fun, funky, and fabulous because of how green and in-your-face it is—making you and the implicit meaning of the jacket super hard to miss! We recommend you wear this rugged staple of white masculine culture when you go to the movies this weekend with the ladies. Last time you went, you had to wait in line next to a guy with glasses AND dandruff! Wear this jacket to remind Mr. Flakey-hair to keep his mouth shut, and remind your friends that you and Hunter are doing the nasty *regularly* in his big fancy house.
5. Dark Royal/Light Gold Letterman Jacket (HollowayUSA.com, $240)
We saved the best for last! This classic, sexy mix of blue and gold simultaneously says, “Go team!” and “Go fuck yourself, loser!” We recommend you wear this one to visit your grandma in her nursing home, where all her creepy old friends call you “pretty”. YUCK! Don’t they know that your muscular and cool boyfriend plays sports, and was given a jacket by his sport to prove it? They couldn’t defeat him in a fight at the flagpole—not even close! Wear it proud and tell those Korean War vets to go be creepy elsewhere, like in a grave! Nice try, dweebs!
These letterman jackets will surely keep the lesser humans out of sight and out of mind. No longer will you have to deal with nerds, dweebs, dorks, geeks, spazzes, and people who like to read getting all up in your homecoming queen face. Rock these dope coats like the princess you are, and remember—it’s not bullying if you’re beautiful!
