In these uncertain times, committing to a self-care routine is vital – but sometimes it can be hard to do the work of taking care of yourself and you must be punished for not fully committing to it. Do you even want it bad enough, or was this all just a little game to you? Here are the four most effective ways to make sure you suffer for not committing wholeheartedly to your self-care.
Spend the day thinking about how hydrated you could have been if you just brought your water bottle.
Is it 4 pm and you’re feeling anxious and depressed? Well, that’s exactly what you get when you don’t fully commit to drinking enough water throughout the day. Since the way you feel is totally your fault and has nothing to do with outside circumstances, spend the rest of the day dwelling on the amazing day you could have had if you just had enough water, because that’s exactly what you deserve!
Didn’t exercise? Sit in a rigid position for the next 12 hours.
Were you feeling a little tired and run-down this morning and skipped your yoga class again? Wow. For someone who talks so much about “the importance of self-care,” you sure are full of shit, aren’t you? Well, now that it’s time to start work, why don’t you just sit with that stiff back of yours in a rigid, hunched-over position until 7 pm and see how it feels when you don’t take care of yourself? That’ll teach you.
Resign from your job.
If you’ve failed to maintain your self-care routine for some time now, how can anybody really trust you to do anything? Sure, you may have been skimping on self-care due to the very fact that you’ve been burdened by taking care of everyone around you, but some chick on Instagram does it just fine, so why can’t you? Clearly, the only responsible thing to do here is to write your resignation letter to the job that pays you, as you are unworthy of the position you hold, even if it is “emotionally abused executive assistant.” If you can’t take the self-care heat, get out of the self-care kitchen!!
Beat your fist against your heart, repeating, “Mea Culpa”
If nothing else has shamed you into returning to your self-care routine, have you tried confessing to the god whom you have so gravely smited? As we all know that shame famously works, try getting on your knees, beating your fist against your chest, chanting, “Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa,” until you are weak and trembling, and finally absolved of your sins. Now that’s what self-care is all about!
So, if you find yourself getting out of your routine, remember that nothing will get you back on track like guilt and shame, so get to it, girl! And get the hell back to that self-care. And remember: Baths don’t count anymore!!