In a developing story out of Brooklyn, NY, 25-year-old Amy Nunez has until her next birthday to make the very last doctor’s appointments of her life, as that is when she will stop being covered by her parents’ health insurance.
According to sources close to her, Amy’s lack of personal health insurance means that the moment she turns 26, that’ll be kind of it for her, medically speaking, and she will in all likelihood never see any kind of healthcare provider ever again.
“My birthday is coming up in just a few weeks now, and I’m really starting to get a sense of my own mortality,” Amy told reporters. “I have just a few weeks left of health insurance, which means I’m just going to have to rely on Advil after that.”
Sources have confirmed that after Amy’s 26th birthday, the very notion of a “primary physician,” “the doctor’s office,” or “healthcare” would soon be quaint bygones of a lost era. From this point on, Amy’s lack of health insurance means that she will have nothing but WebMD and prayers to a silent God in hopes of making it through another year.
“After this birthday, if I ever want treatment for my asthma, my various orifices, or any freshly discovered tumors, I’ll just shrug it off,” she continued. “So this is the last call for any physical, dental, vision, and/or mental health needs, for the rest of my life.”
Amy is reportedly preparing for this critical milestone by continuously refreshing the online portal of her parents’ health insurance provider and making as many random doctor’s appointments as possible.
“I have a full docket of doctor’s appointments lined up for the week leading up to my birthday. I’m just trying to squeeze out the few final drops of medical care I have left,” said Amy, who plans to spend her birthday week just touring the various departments of her local hospital.
In addition to several back-to-back physicals, she will be ringing in her birthday with a full-body X-ray and a full colonoscopy because fuck it, it’s now or never.
“I’ve always wanted to have a birthday week, and I guess this qualifies,” Amy said. “God knows this is my last chance to uncover some sort of latent terminal illness. Like, if I’m going to fall sick with something, now would be the fucking time! Haha.”
At press time, sources confirmed that on the morning of her 26th birthday, Amy woke up with a small lump which was either be the beginning of a terminal illness or just a harmless skin condition. Unfortunately, Amy won’t know until it’s too late anyways.
