So you’re 25 years old, have a few friends, and are cobbling together the sort of life that you will someday be proud of, Dad. But it’s harder than it looks and you don’t have everything figured out yet, even though Dad already had a career and was supporting a family by the time he was your age. The next time you’re getting hounded about long-term career goals, just hit him back with this list of successful people who also didn’t have it all figured out when they were 25, Dad:
Hey Dad, Jane Lynch didn’t get her first big screen break in The Fugitive until she was 33. That’s almost twice as old as 25, if you only count the adult years. Anyways, she’s on Glee and hosted the Emmys in 2011. So success can start with spending your 20s trying to invite all your friends and family to your improv shows.
Daddy, did you know that the multi-billionaire author of the most successful book series of all time was fired from her job as a secretary when she was in her 20s? Believe it! By the way, I got fired last week.
What a crazy mofo Pastor Rice used to be! We should know seeing as he talks about it all the time. Every sermon includes an allusion to his life “in the deep end.” He didn’t “find God” until he was 37! Until then he was swimming in women and cocaine (or so I’ve gathered from his references).
Samuel L. Jackson
You know him, Dad; he’s the guy from Snakes on a Plane and he didn’t land his breakout role in Pulp Fiction until he was 40 years old! Which means there is still hope for me to end up on a plane full of snakes again one day. But next time, I’ll make sure I’m getting paid for it!
Are you there, Dad? It’s me, Your Daughter. Listen to this, when Judy Blume was 25, she wasn’t even writing yet! All she had was a college degree, which is more than I can say for you, Dad. I’ve already gotten a BFA and written two unfinished screenplays. Maybe I’ll grow up and write books about sanitary napkins that’ll sell like hot tampons too; you never know!
My Brother, Your Oldest Son Frank
Let’s not forget about Frank, Dad. Remember your son’s 25th birthday, when he got a Tony Hawk tattoo on his back? I sure do! And yeah, yeah, he’s finally figuring stuff out at age 32 now that he has a kid.
You want to know where your man Tim Allen was before he claimed the role of Tim ‘The Toolman’ Taylor at age 38? In Jail! For Drugs! I bet my public intoxication charge ain’t lookin’ so bad now, Dad.
I understand, she’s a Democrat and you “don’t get that.” But not-such-a-baby girl is flush with cash. Get this, she spent most of her twenties working as a – wait for it – WAITRESS. Then she decided that money was cool and started making it. I mean, she was on Oprah’s All-Star show for chrissakes!
Abraham Fucking Lincoln
In Lincoln’s early twenties he had JUST moved out of his parents house and worked along the Mississippi River. Yet to meet Mary Todd, he definitely wasn’t giving his parents grandchildren anytime soon. And do you know what Lincoln went on to do, Dad? Maybe you haven’t heard of it? He freed the fuckin’ slaves. It’s like you’re not even giving me a chance.
Well, well, well. Look who made the list! You, Dad! When you were 25, you and mom were unmarried, pregnant with Frank, and you were trying to sell refurbished television sets to local sports bars. So why don’t you get off my back while I halfheartedly attempt multiple different career paths until someone discovers me.
Remember, these excuses only work for the next five years. So it’s time to go forth and prosper no matter what you think, Dad!