You Can Have Metallic Hair Now, You Slinky Bitch

photo: Samantha Ravndahl

Your heels are spikes, you smell like a new car, and the 20-carat diamond engagement ring you wear even though you broke that off months ago shines like an ice rink, and now you can have the hair to match! Now that space-age hair technologies are available to you, you can dye your perfect bob to match your Audi. Here are some of the gleaming metallic dyes ready for you to use right this second, you slinky bitch!



You’ve always been the most petite reflective surface in the room, and at last you have the hair to match! As you sip gin and tonics with your terrifying girl squad and rank the rockstars you’ve slept with, you can feel a tingle of satisfaction knowing only your scalp glows like it was just polished in Hephaestus’s forge. What a fucking willowy wisp you are!



Your silverware comes from Tiffany, your phone case is Chanel, and you can hear the sound of crystals chiming when a breeze comes through your penthouse apartment. Now, your hair can glisten like new money at a cocktail party, you glow queen!



You are more gloss than woman, from your YSL frosted lips to your hairless legs (thanks, lasers!), so why shouldn’t the Silicon Valley CEO you’re fucking see himself reflected in your hair? Now that you’ve dyed your tendrils silver at that secret salon, you are the impeccably groomed chrome goddess of every robot’s wet dreams, and we fucking hate you for it, you glamorous wench!



Metallic Blue

You are streamlined to perfection, sleek and trim like an oil tycoon’s yacht. Your hair glistens metallic blue, but your gaze is frostier as you click clack your way through FiDi at lunch hour. Nothing can deter you, even the crows who flock to your shiny head and which you impale on your long, French-manicured nails. Now go seduce an astronaut, you gorgeous ice princess!


Rose Gold

You can now dye your hair so it shines like a new Apple product. You are the iPhone 17. Tim Cook just announced you at the Apple Keynote, and Wired is excited about your potential, you impossibly tiny package of shiny femininity, designed in America but built in China, loved and abhorred by millions, you beautiful fucking butterfly!


Now that it’s possible to get metallic hair, nothing can stop you as you zoom around in your stilettos like the icy glamour monster you are. Your head reflects the stars above, ‘cause it’s 2016 and you can do that now!