So, you let a balloon go in public and now it’s gone forever. This is embarrassing. Now what?
Act natural.
This first line of defense involves looking like you let that utterly superb balloon go screaming up to the heavens on purpose. Hold back your tears and put on your big girl face. The past is the past – there’s no taking back what happened. This is your life now.
Insert a catchphrase.
Shout “Bitches be nasty!” or “Waka Flacka BOOM!” and pair with a meaningless hand gesture. This will distract passersby from watching the most exquisite crimson balloon that’s ever existed skyrocket through the stratosphere to its final resting place in that balloon graveyard we call the sky.
Pretend like you are memorializing a dead friend.
Now that your stubby excuses for fingers let latex perfection through their grasp and into a blaze of oblivion, try going big. If you make the lie big and sad enough, no one can question you! “Lisa died in a balloon accident. She would have wanted it this way.” No one will know you’re just a big idiot who can’t hold strings.
Do the leprechaun.
This one is not hard. Walk away saying, “HOY DEE DOY DEE DOY” like a leprechaun. As your balloon jerks its way up to a fiery death, people will focus on your impeccable accent and not your biggest failure to date. Go on, try it. “Hoy dee doy dee doy.” That’s right. Perfect.
Run into traffic.
Now you’ve gone from fool to victim in three seconds flat. You are finally dead and can join your tragic beloved balloon in the Promised Land. It’s better than here on Earth, with the judging gaze of strangers. You no longer feel naked and alone. You are at peace.
With these tips you’ll go from the object of strangers ridicule to the object of their desire! So walk tall, ladies! Don’t worry; you’ll meet your balloon again one day. I hope to God you do.
