In a story out of Phoenix, AZ, 30-year-old Dana Higgins recently had a near-death experience that caused her life to flash before her eyes, and was surprised to find that 40% of it was scenes of her doom-scrolling through social media on the toilet.
What a way to spend your one God-given existence!
Sources report Dana stepped off the curb and narrowly avoided a collision with a car, but the experience plummeted her into a flashback of everything she had accomplished in this life, which heavily featured her favorite pastime: “shittin’ and scrollin’.”
“I mean sure, I expected that doom scrolling on the toilet might come up briefly in a summation of my time on Earth,” Dana told reporters. “But 40%? That seems kind of high, no?”
Sources confirm that in the blink of an eye, Dana saw her birth, her early childhood, then two straight seconds of tweets—ranging from “the dress” to “30-50 feral hogs”—three seconds of Instagram food pics, and nearly five seconds of TikToks, which is remarkable considering the app’s relatively short existence. For comparison, her mother appeared for 0.2 seconds.
You go, Dana! Defy expectations!
According to the vision of her life, she’s spent more time in her life consuming content on the toilet than she did playing with puppies, frolicking through waves, and eating meals with her family combined.
The only category that “doom-scrolling on the toilet” did not beat out was the amount of time she spent sleeping and the amount of time she spent deciding whether she was going to get off the toilet and get in the shower.
“This can’t be right though,” Dana said, “because I read a lot of books, too, right?”
According to the flashback, wrong.
Reading time was comparatively so small that it didn’t even feature in the sequence at all, nor did “writing,” “exercise,” or “moments of quiet bliss.” Even so, the time she spent on the toilet stalking the girl from her high school who got married super young somehow did make the cut.
Asked how the flashback would affect her life moving forward, Higgins said, “I’ll definitely spend less time checking social media in the bathroom and more time cherishing my loved ones.”
When reporters asked her for a real answer—because come on now—she clarified, “I’ll probably scroll through some more dog vids. You know, to at least make it worth my while.”
