After packing her daily backup of three light jackets in case she gets cold and one t-shirt in case she gets warm, 26-year-old Madison Hawthorn has come to the shocking realization that she has literally never been a comfortable temperature in her life.
Congrats, Madison! Celebrate with a new sweater!
After a brutal winter where she was almost always chilly, Madison was excited to greet spring weather this morning, only to walk outside and realize she was actually a bit too hot.
“I was so excited for it to get warmer, and now I’m immediately mad that it’s this warm,” she told reporters gathered at the scene. “Will I ever be happy? Someone please answer.”
This created a snowball effect wherein Madison soon realized she has been too warm or cold since her first moments on Earth.
“Well, when I came out of the womb, I was immediately freezing,” Madison said. “Then they swaddled me in that blanket and, yup. Too warm.”
Sources confirmed that to regulate her temperature, baby Madison constantly kept one tiny foot out of the baby blanket. This is remarkable considering that, as mentioned, she was a baby.
Through her teen years, she ran warm, and as she reached her 20s, she started to run cold.
“I just assumed that everyone was uncomfortable all the time, too,” she continued. “But then last summer, I asked a friend if she wanted me to turn up the air conditioning, and she said, ‘No thanks, I’m good.’ What? It’s possible to be good?”
Sources confirmed it is possible to be good. In even more disturbing news, some people exist at the right temperature most of the time.
Madison’s inability to find a comfortable temperature has prevented her from pursuing certain life goals, like taking up skiing (too cold at the mountaintop, too hot once you get going), going to the beach (too hot on the sand, too cold in the water), and working in an office (always wrong).
After extensive research, scientists confirmed Madison’s perfect temperature is 78.8 degrees Fahrenheit with a light breeze, but unfortunately this temperature never occurs naturally in the wild, nor artificially indoors.
“One time – April 28th, 2007 – the air was technically the perfect temperature, but it was too windy in the shade and too hot in the sun, so no, it hasn’t ever happened,” said lead researcher Dr. Jane Kronish. “Madison is destined to toil in imperfection forever.”
Try to enjoy, babe!
