In surprising news out of Brooklyn, NY, reports surfaced Monday that Victoria Jones doesn’t set an alarm because her body just naturally wakes up when it’s 1:27pm.
“Even when I’m asleep, something deep within my brain knows exactly when it’s time to start the day,” Victoria says despite the fact that she frequently awakens when most people are already putting their lunch leftovers in Tupperware containers. “My body clock is incredible.”
Last week, rather than set an alarm for a 1:30pm Zoom call, Victoria turned off her phone and simply trusted her body or her roommate’s Labradoodle, or nearby construction, or the fact that humans are diurnal to rouse her from her slumber by 1:27pm.
She woke up with minutes to spare.
“My body’s timing has never failed me yet!” she proclaimed, clearly forgetting all the times that her body has had to poop on airplanes.
Victoria’s friends, however, are unimpressed with her incredible ability to wake up before 2pm.
“Victoria seems to think that her body has preselected 1:27pm as its chosen wake-up time,” her friend Mike told us at 9:41am, a full 3 hours and 46 minutes before Victoria usually starts answering his texts. “But I think she wakes up then because she stays up until 4am watching Tasty videos.”
When asked for comment, researchers at a local sleep institute explained that a mind in repose can track the passage of time but that that’s honestly not what’s happening here.
“Yeah, the staying up all night looking at blue light thing seems a lot more likely,” the research team reported. “Now please, no more questions. We have better things to do.”
At press time, Victoria was tucking herself into bed, peaceful in the knowledge that her body will work its magic and jolt her awake in time to catch a few hours of daylight.
Sweet dreams, Victoria!
