Wow! This Woman Averages Three Major Life Announcements Per Week

In what appears to be a new world record, Gemma Cleary has astounded social scientists and her social media followers alike by averaging over three major life announcements every week. Whether it’s a new dietary restriction, a career change, or the beginning or end of a new relationship, Cleary’s proclamations have been shared on social media and in real life.


“I used to be concerned when she would tell me that she had some difficult personal news to share,” reports Cleary’s best friend Bethany. “But now I know it’s probably that she got a small cut on her hand, or she tried a new Poke restaurant or something.”


Unlike the casual updates that people generally provide to their friends and family, Cleary’s posts and text messages have all the trappings of a major change. A typical post begins “This is really hard for me to share,” “I know you’ve all been wondering,” or “OK, folks, it’s time to talk about…”


A recent post from her Facebook feed reads:


“Alright, friends, it’s been on my mind for a long time, so it’s only fair that I share with you the fact that I am considering buying a bicycle. Lately, I’ve felt a little limited by the options of walking or driving. What if I just want to go a medium distance? Plus, it’s great exercise. I know, I know, I said on Monday that I was getting into Bikram, but that didn’t work out. Bicycle riding friends: it would mean so much if you could lend me your bike for a month or two so I can see if it’s right for me. Also, if it seems like I’ve been a little distracted lately, please remember that I have this and other decisions weighing on me and might not be as available as I usually am. THX LOVELIES.”



Other notable announcements Cleary has made include that she identifies more as a Taurus than a Gemini, that she and her high school boyfriend have stopped hooking up, that Whole 30 isn’t really working out, and that she doesn’t really care about Game of Thrones and finds it kind of alienating that everyone posts about it so much.


Sources close to Cleary report that she is considering a TinyLetter to keep everyone updated about her “crazy life.”