In an incredible blend of hard-earned skill and raw artistic talent, Alma Jameson just masterfully worked her way through a pint of Ben & Jerry’s with the careful precision and steady hand reminiscent of Michelangelo sculpting David.
“She has a vision,” Alma’s girlfriend, May, told reporters. “Is the vision to carve out that massive chunk of cookie dough in the middle of the pint and eat it? Sure, but it’s also much more than that.”
May clarified that by “much more than that,” she meant that Alma was going to also eat the entire pint.
While Alma’s vision may be different than that of Michelangelo, her artistry is no less astounding.
“It’s like she sees something within the block of ice cream that isn’t visible to the naked eye,” May said. “Each chip and scoop of her spoon is carefully thought out and strategically placed. It’s like she’s willing the beauty within the ice cream to reveal itself, instead of forcing her own vision upon it.”
At this point, May had been brought to tears and had to excuse herself, mumbling something about being in the presence of “one of the greats.”
Alma explained that she never really “got” art until she worked her way through her first pint of rocky road.
“The whole world kind of opened up for me that day,” she said. “I saw everything in a whole new light. Like, I finally understood those people who are brought to tears by a Rothko. His precision when it comes to color, shape, scale, balance, and composition totally mirrors my approach to a big ol’ pint of chocolate chip cookie dough.”
Reporters felt like these two scenarios were a little different, considering one was thoughtfully crafting a piece of art, and the other was just eating a frozen dessert.
However, when they voiced this opinion to Alma, she simply laughed and shook her head.
“I used to be just like you,” she said through a mouthful of cookie dough she had finally managed to free from its ice cream prison. “Blind to the art around me.”
As of press time, reporters were having an existential crisis about what “art” really is, and ultimately decided to swing by the store and grab a couple pints of French vanilla to see if they really were ignorant to the artistry of binge-eating ice cream.
“Vanilla?” Alma scoffed when she learned of their endeavors. “How derivative.”
