While 33-year-old June Marten has managed to secure one or two close friends in adulthood, she wishes it were easier to be a part of a big, toxic, stressful friend group.
“Being a part of a giant friend group where you only really feel close to a few people and have long-standing feuds with the remaining members used to be so easy when I was in school,” Jude told reporters. “Now, in adulthood, all that remains are those few, loyal friends. I miss the drama.”
Studies show that most people’s circles get smaller as they get older, as people tend to gravitate more toward those they have genuine connections with. However, scientists admit this does leave a lot to be desired in terms of large-scale gossip and petty in-fighting.
“Humans are social creatures,” said Dr. Moira Gates, a professor of anthropology at the University of Michigan. “And part of that socialization includes confronting a 12-person group chat about a preferred lighter that went missing last night and is presumed stolen. Saying ‘I know it was you Lydia, Jasmine said she saw you put it in your bag and Olive confirmed’ is a cathartic form of self-expression that is, unfortunately, oftentimes left in our youth.”
Dr. Gates said that in lieu of fun drama, adulthood is instead filled with such mundanities as “seeing and being seen by someone on a fundamental level,” “mature conversations about boundaries,” and “elegant three-person dinner parties.”
Sources close to June were surprised to hear about her discontent, as she had always maintained that she loved the drama-free lifestyle of her 30s.
“Honestly, the fact that she even talked to reporters about this at all feels a bit shady to me,” said Ryan, a close, cherished friend of June’s. “It feels more like she’s publicly lamenting the shortcomings of her current friendships, rather than just wishing for additional ones.”
When June heard of Ryan’s comments, she immediately reached out to her other and final friend, Katie, to see if Ryan had been secretly harboring a deep resentment for her throughout the entirety of their so-called “friendship.”
As of press time, Katie did not have any conclusive evidence of Ryan’s resentment, but did discover that Ryan had stolen one of June’s lighters after their elegant three-person dinner party last week.
“Turns out adult relationships can be really rewarding in their own way, too,” June told reporters, her eyes ablaze with both righteous indignation and deep, unwavering love.
