When 25-year-old Ella Sheridan finally got around to organizing her apartment, she never imagined how emotionally devastating it would be to have such a clean, uncluttered space. It was for this reason she decided to re-scatter her hair ties around her apartment, just for old time’s sake.
“You know when you get your life together and you kind of start to miss the people you used to surround yourself with, even if they weren’t good for you? Well, that’s how I feel about my clutter!”
Sheridan explained that getting her apartment in order had left a gaping hole in her life.
“It was comforting to have hair ties lying haphazardly all over the place – they were always there when I needed them! Now, they’re neatly stacked in a little bowl in my bedroom and I’ve never felt more alone.”
“When I decided to free them of their tiny ceramic prison, I finally felt like myself again,” she continued. “It made me wonder if some of us could benefit from de-Marie Kondo-ing our lives.”
Sources close to Sheridan have urged her to abandon this mindset, claiming that decluttering her apartment has been an objectively good change, and that they’d be “devastated” and “grossed out” to see her revert to all of her old habits.
“It took her six laundry cycles to finally get around to putting her clothes away,” said Sheridan’s roommate, Stevie West. “She used to be trapped in an endless cycle of the clean clothes in her hamper slowly becoming dirty again. I just don’t want to see her fall back into that toxic lifestyle.”
When asked how she felt about the concerns of her friends and family, Sheridan claimed that they were being over-dramatic.
“It’s just a few hair ties thrown carelessly into the far-reaches of my apartment,” she said. “It’s not like I’m re-scattering all of my makeup around my bathroom sink, or re-stacking all my old boxes in what I used to call my ‘box corner.’ But, now that I think about it, if a box corner is what makes me happy, then maybe I should!”
At press time, Sheridan admitted that she knew she’d eventually have to get her apartment back in order, but said that, for now, “it’s nice to be among friends,” while shoving a hair tie under a couch cushion and tossing a used box into the corner of her bedroom.
