In a devastating story of infidelity emerging from Brooklyn, NY, 25-year-old Penelope León had a dream last night in which she cheated on her boyfriend of two years and woke up this morning absolutely furious with herself.
“I know it’s technically not real, but I can’t believe I would do something like that,” Penelope told reporters from under her covers, unsure how she could face her boyfriend, who currently knows nothing of the dream. “I mean, sure, I’ve never made a single logical, intentional decision in a dream, and yes, I cheated with the fictional character Jessica Rabbit, but I shouldn’t have done it! How is he going to move on from this?”
Sources confirm Penelope’s boyfriend Matt is having no trouble moving on from this, seeing as he has no knowledge of it at all and it technically never happened.
“Kissing someone else? That’s awful,” she continued. “And kissing her on a stage in front of all our cartoon and live-action friends? How could I do that to Matt, who admittedly did not exist in the dream!”
Penelope’s self-directed anger only grew from there as she remembered her other regrettable actions.
“Oh my god,” she gasped. “I also robbed a bank with a gun in the dream. But I’m super anti-gun! How could I have done something like that?”
Other highlights of the dream included a jazzy choreographed dance number in a Wild West saloon and an unexplained cameo from the Hindenburg pre-explosion.
“It just felt so real, you know?” Penelope continued. “Sure, I was functionally a passenger in the dream and made no active choices, but that isn’t an excuse.”
Sources confirm the experience was so distressing that Penelope is having trouble looking at her boyfriend, let alone speaking to him.
“How am I supposed to face him now that I cheated?” she continued, seemingly unaware of the fact that she hadn’t really cheated. “If I could do it all over again, I would have done everything differently.”
This bargaining had no apparent purpose, because she will likely never see Jessica Rabbit again: she has a new dream practically every night.
Sources confirm the last time one of Penelope’s dreams involved infidelity, it was her boyfriend in the hot seat.
“I had a dream a few weeks ago that he cheated on me with my therapist, and I got so mad once I woke up,” she continued. “How could I be so hypocritical?”
