Woman Realizes ‘Ethnic Cleanse’ Not a Weight Loss Thing

After perusing last week’s Chicago Tribune, Barbara Duncan had an unfortunate epiphany regarding the true meaning of ethnic cleansing. Prior to seeing a reference to gruesome Russian war crimes, Duncan believed an ethnic cleanse was a crash diet that used exotic spices or “maybe papaya juice.”


“When I first saw an article titled “Southeast Ukraine’s Ethnic Cleanse,” I was like, ‘Great, I need to lose four pounds; my niece’s wedding is coming up!” Duncan said. “But then I realized something wasn’t right.”


Her enthusiasm quickly turned to disappointment. “Just one paragraph in and I’m reading about people dying from artillery fire. And I’m thinking, ‘Man, I wanna lose weight, but that’s a little extreme.’


“That’s when it hit me: This might not be a weight loss article.”


Undeterred, and still not understanding the article, Duncan read on. “10,000 is too many people dying from a diet without Dr. Oz covering it, so I knew something was up.” She eventually enlisted a friend, Joanne Carver, to help.



“I explained to her that the word ‘cleanse’ can be a euphemism for getting rid of something, or killing people, in this case,” says Carver. “Then I grabbed my keys, left her house, and vowed to never talk to her again.”


“I get it now,” reflects Duncan. “Like, when I do a cleanse I’m getting the bad things out of my body, and when these people do a cleanse they’re getting rid of Serbs.”


She adds, “I’m still not sure what a Serb is.”


The realization of what she was reading has left her shocked. “It’s really terrible and hard to imagine this happening in the world today, and I wish there was something I could do to help these people,” says Duncan. “Someone suggested donating to an NGO, but do you know that stuff gives you cancer? People can be so ignorant sometimes.”