Residents of Akron, Ohio remain suspicious as Sandy Miller freely ordered cheesecake after dinner because “Friday is [her] cheat day.”
“We went out for drinks on Tuesday,” says friend, Arya Patel. “Because she said that was her cheat day. But we did a cookie-swap Thursday, and she ate all my shortbread. It just doesn’t add up.”
“If you don’t want to commit to a diet, that’s fine,” Patel continues. “Just don’t lie.”
Friends and family began to question her behavior after eating all of the chips at a potluck last Sunday.
“I was suspicious,” husband, Andre Miller, states. “So I made a torte on Monday and a cobbler on Wednesday. She ate both and told me she was taking a half-cheat day on both days.”
“Half-cheat days aren’t a thing,” reports Dr. Rosa Montanez, nutritional scientist at Harvard Medical School. “And the evidence suggests that the Friday in question was not in fact Sandy’s cheat day.”
Montanez adds: “Studies have shown that the number one cause of a failed diet is being annoying around loved ones about it.”
“Sandy devoured the free croissants at Costco on Thursday,” claims Sandy’s mother, Tina. “But when I brought my homemade pasta salad that afternoon, suddenly it was, ‘Oh I can’t; I’m watching my weight.’”
“If you don’t want my pasta salad, just say so,” she continues. “Don’t get high and mighty about your ‘diet.’ We know the truth.”
“Sandy doesn’t let me buy potatoes because she calls them ‘food noise,’” her husband states. “But then I saw a brunch Instagram where there were definitely home fries on her plate. This isn’t the woman I married.”
At a recent press conference, protesters against Miller’s claims carried signs that read, “When is your cheat day, Sandy?”
At this time, Miller’s cheat days are officially on record as Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and all major U.S. holidays.