Woman Outlines Extensive Plan to Get in Shape by Last Month

In a show of grit, determination, and lack of temporal awareness, 24-year-old Nina McDonough has outlined a detailed plan that will have her in amazing shape just in time for last month.


“Now that summer is upon us, it’s never been more important to me to have gotten in shape already,” she told reporters. “So, I’ve outlined an hour-by-hour schedule that will ensure I have abs by the time my sister gets married in April 2023.”


Sources confirm that April 2023 already happened, but those sorts of details are of no concern to a powerhouse like Nina.


Nina’s workout schedule includes absolutely impossible arm, leg, ab, and back workouts that she should have already started if she was going to be ripped by now. Luckily, she’s also created a meal plan that would’ve been the perfect fuel for this workout plan if she had started it at the end of last year.


“I know it’s tight,” said Nina of the timeline, which is literally unachievable. “But I’m hoping if I follow this schedule by the letter, I can be in shape by last month in no time.”


“She always does this,” Nina’s sister, Hannah McDonough, told reporters. “When she decides to get ripped, she sets impossible goals and goes so hard that it’s absolutely unsustainable and unnecessary. I mean, getting in shape by last month? What’s today’s date? Two months ago?”


Nina refuses to be deterred by the haters and the naysayers who are telling her that this sort of plan is clinically impossible and temporally dangerous.


“You know how to spell ‘impossible’? I’M POSSIBLE,” she said. “And you know how to spell ‘April’? M-A-Y!”


English language experts on the scene were a bit confused by this and decided it was best not to get involved.


“Do I think she can do it? No,” said Nina’s boyfriend, Max Jung. “Am I going to tell her that? Also no. The last time she told me she was going to get in shape by last month and I told her last month already happened, she accused me of being ‘body-negative.’”


Sources confirm this is simply body-realistic.


Nina has since realized this body-focused mentality is a bit toxic, and she has shifted her mindset away from physical concerns like whether she’s “in shape.” Instead, she’s decided to focus on getting a new job by last year and entering a fulfilling relationship by the time she turned 20.