Demonstrating the value of a huge brain, 26-year-old Emma Wallview has – without even really noticing it – stopped measuring the cost of rideshares in something as plebeian as dollars and has instead started calculating the cost in little snacks that she won’t be able to afford now.
“Sure, an Uber from my house to the office is only $15, and that may seem like a low number when put so plainly,” she told reporters gathered at the scene. “But it’s different when you put that in perspective: $15 is two fancy lattes, three little croissants, or even four to five drip coffees if you’re cheap. This Uber costs three little croissants.”
Sources confirm Emma wakes up every morning and gives herself a daily budget of $20 that she will, without fail, exceed before noon. This budget could be spent on anything of her choosing, which means if she’s taking an Uber, she can’t spend as much money on little snacks in between her plans.
“My primary reason for living is the possibility of a bubble tea or an ice cream cone on my way home from a doctor’s appointment or similar errand,” she continued. “So, if I take an Uber, I have to measure that cost in terms of something that actually matters: a forgone snack.”
Since using this system, Emma has pretty much stopped taking rideshares altogether, as it is “never really worth it” in her eyes.
“Would I rather get to my destination ‘on time’ or be able to buy 10 packs of sour candy on the way home?” she posited. “Not so simple now, is it?”
Since shifting her frame of mind to this barter-esque system, it has become extremely painful for Emma to spend money on anything at all except for snacks.
“I could care less about $15 being taken out of my bank account,” she continued. “But having to skip my 4 p.m. cookie? That’s an unlivable scenario for me.”
People in Emma’s life have become increasingly concerned about this mode of thought.
“I wanted to get an Uber home from a night out at the bar last weekend, because it was 3 a.m. and we were in a weird part of town,” said Emma’s roommate, Tyla Richards. “But she kept muttering, ‘There go my four cookies. My poor four cookies.’ It really freaked me out.”
As of press time, Emma had booked a flight home to Seattle for $400, or, as she cried out, “35 breakfast sandwiches at the artisanal bakery!”
