Woman Joins Cult on Promise of Free Tote Bag

In a story that highlights just how far some people will go for a cute accessory that really ties the outfit together, 24-year-old Ashley Meese recently joined a cult because they promised her a free tote bag.


“I was going for a walk at the mall, and there were these people handing out fliers,” she told reporters from the mess hall of the cult’s vast compound. “And I hate to be rude, so I took a flier, and I noticed one of the girls had this really adorable tote.”


Sources confirm the tote bag displayed an image of the cult leader – Maximus Hart – as if he were Christ on the cross.


“That sort of ironic religious imagery is really ‘in’ right now,” she continued. “So I asked the girl how I could get one of those totes for myself, and she said it came free with her cult membership. Uh, consider me sold!”


Other members of the cult confided in reporters that this exchange was not initially a part of the cult’s recruitment strategy; rather, it seemed they accidentally stumbled into the greatest marketing idea they’d ever had.


“The totes were just one of many cult-only merch items that we made to boost morale, but we didn’t think there would be a market for them among the general population,” Maximus told reporters in an exclusive interview. “But once it became clear it would be a successful recruitment method, we made our ‘Complimentary Tote for New Members’ program the cornerstone of our outreach strategy.”


According to relevant fashion influencers, the tote can really dress up any casual look or add an air of nonchalance to fancier attire.


“A tote like this can go for 40, even 50 dollars these days,” Ashley continued, proudly showing reporters her “fun new find.” “I got it for the low price of zero dollars as long as I pledged my allegiance to the Father. To me, that was a no-brainer.”



Ashley added that she was further persuaded by the lack of tax or shipping fees on the tote – she would just have to go to the compound to pick it up and then stay there forever.


As of press time, Ashley maintained she would stay in the cult as long as it continued to offer such “lucrative perks.” Meanwhile, Maximus maintained she would not be allowed to leave.