In a classic lose-lose situation emerging from a marketing office in Los Angeles, CA, 25-year-old Georgia Hawks is checking her email, and will either be disappointed that no one has sent her a message or equally disappointed that someone has.
“I would say I compulsively check my email every 17 seconds, on average,” Georgia told reporters at the scene. “But I don’t exactly know what I expect to find. If no one has emailed me, I get pretty sad that no one cares or needs me. But if someone has emailed me, that is just as bad, because now I have to respond. If only there were a third option where I got nice little notes all the time with no reciprocal obligation.”
Sources confirm that whenever Georgia gets an email, she yearns for the time she didn’t have any emails, while any time she doesn’t get an email, she fondly recalls the moments she did. These effects combine to ensure she is never satisfied in the present.
“I don’t know if anyone has done research into the impact rosy retrospection has on my email inbox, but there’s definitely something there,” Georgia continued. “All I know is that any time I’m opening my inbox, I’ve already lost.”
Reporters suggested Georgia try not opening her inbox as much, but she maintained this would not help.
“It just creates a real Schrodinger’s Email situation,” she replied. “If I don’t check, then I simultaneously do and do not have an email in my inbox, which is doubly upsetting. Maybe I should just quit my job?”
Reporters concurred with this idea, but Georgia realized she would probably just feel the same ire directed at her personal inbox instead.
“My personal inbox is even worse,” she continued. “At least with a work email I’m required to respond immediately, so I get it out of the way. With my personal inbox, I’ll let a previously-read email go unanswered for days, which only compounds this effect. Now I’ve got new emails and a lack of new emails piling up on top of the already-read email. It’s a real clusterfuck.”
At this point, reporters recommended trying, like, a silent retreat or something.
Georgia decided they were probably right and figured she would give an email-less week a try. As of press time, she is currently directing that same ire toward her physical mail.
