The first time machine in world history has finally been invented, and the person behind the huge technological breakthrough is 26-year-old Leandra Wright, who built it to assassinate her past self for leaving a big pile of laundry on her bed just eight hours earlier.
“I’ve actually never had the desire to build a time machine before,” Leandra told reporters, “But when I got home after a long day at work and saw that someone had put a big pile of clothes on my bed, and that someone was me, I realized that person needed to pay for it.”
Despite having no prior studies in engineering or physics, Leandra crafted her time machine in a little under an hour, with her rage against her past self motivating her the entire way.
“Something has to be done about the version of me who dumped the huge load of laundry onto my bed,” she continued. “I guess I’ll have to be the one to stop her. The world will be a much better place without her in it.”
When asked if she’s worried about her present self disappearing when she kills her past self, Leandra was very frank, answering, “It is what it is.”
“Some people might not think it’s is a good idea,” she said. “Even my roommates told me that a better solution would just be to fold the laundry and put it away, but I’m sorry, I just don’t see it that way.”
According to Leandra, she believes the only way to restabilize the universe and her bedroom is to make sure her earlier self doesn’t even get the chance to fuck it all up.
“When I go back in time, I’m gonna make sure I kill my past self right before she even thinks about emptying out the laundry bag on top of the bed,” she told us. “This way, I won’t have to go through what happened to me ever again.”
At press time, Leandra was planning to go back in time to kill the past selves who texted her crush a screenshot of their own conversation, the one who left her phone, wallet, and keys at home once, and the one who burned her dinner last night, but was suddenly nowhere to be found.