For the second time this week, your drunk self has gone to bed without bothering to wash your face or do any of the basic tasks that adults do before going to sleep. While you had no expectations for her to do a thorough nighttime routine, your drunk self couldn’t even throw a hot, wet washcloth over your face skin for ten seconds to make tomorrow a better day.
Experts say this may be because she is a fucking selfish bitch.
“I don’t know why she has to be so lazy,” says sober you. “It’s not like she doesn’t remember to do it; she just passes by the bathroom, groans, and then walks on to the bedroom as if tomorrow’s never gonna happen.”
According to reports, both dryness and excessive oil were discovered at the scene early this morning. Witnesses also verified the presence of redness, weird bumps, and new wrinkles for some reason.
“That bitch couldn’t even drink a glass of water before passing out,” you were heard muttering to yourself in the mirror this morning.
This repeated behavior confirms a long-suspected problem, which is that your drunk self straight up sucks and needs to get her shit together or you swear you’re gonna quit drinking once and for all, for real this time.
“Why does she care about no one but herself?” you said about your drunk self.
Investigators have found that this pattern of aggressively selfish behavior from your drunk self has lasted nearly 15 years now with a few months where it got better and then got worse again. There is no foreseeable solution to this problem because what are you gonna do? Not drink?
When asked for comment, drunk you had very little to say for herself: “It’s my hot body I do what I want, ha ha I’m hungry for fries.”