After two consecutive weeks of saying this was the time she’d really do it, 26-year-old Dani Mantzoukas has finally abandoned her plan to get in shape coincidentally just as the Olympics are ending.
“I’ve been inspired to get in shape recently, but it really had nothing to do with the Olympics,” Dani lied to reporters while seated on her couch watching the closing ceremonies. “I’ve just had this newfound appreciation for the joys of sport and the capability of the human body when pushed to its limits. But that has nothing to do with the Olympics at all.”
Sources confirm Dani has spent the last two weeks glued to the television watching every sport from basketball to sharpshooting, something she had simply never taken interest in until this very moment.
“My passion for sharpshooting actually came about organically, too,” she continued, while calling the gun range to inform them she had changed her mind and wouldn’t be needing any lessons. “What, now it’s weird to like sharpshooting exactly when the Olympics are happening? Get real.”
Dani’s friends maintain she has spent the last two weeks telling them about her workout goals nonstop, which has honestly been a little annoying considering she does this every four years.
“In 2020, she suddenly ‘decided’ to get in shape after watching Simone Biles’ floor routine,” Dani’s roommate, Tiana Willis, told reporters. “But lo and behold, she lost interest around August then, too. I’m just not looking forward to the Winter Olympics, where she will inevitably decide to take up skiing then quit after the first lesson.”
According to reports, Dani has been seen lightly jogging around her neighborhood with decreasing frequency since July 26, which happens to be the day the Olympics began.
“It’s so important to be in shape, yes, but I’m realizing it’s actually not everything,” Dani continued, moving her running shoes from the front door to extremely deep in her closet. “I have plenty of worth that is completely separate from my ability to run a 400 meter or 800 meter or 1500 meter or 10,000-meter race. Would it be cool to be able to do that at world record pace? Yes. Could I actually do it if I tried? Probably, yeah. But I’ve consciously decided not to, which is different from giving up.”
As of press time, Dani had started watching the new season of Drag Race and decided — in a completely unrelated move – to start taking sewing lessons.
