Why I Want Politicians to Legislate My Butt

These days, the government seems especially interested in regulating women’s bodies. From medical access to pregnancies, the men in charge seem to think they have a right to legislate my body. I believe that women have the right to our own bodies and they should leave our vaginas alone—but I wouldn’t mind getting some laws about my butt.


I need some direction!


When it comes to my vagina, I know exactly how I feel about it. I want to be able to do what I want with it, whether it’s having sex, putting an IUD in it, or shitting a baby out of it. But with my butt, things are a lot more complicated. Most of the time I’m like, What’s happening here? Who is really in charge? And that’s where I believe the government should come in.


I’m not saying that the government should pass laws about what butts can and cannot do. Any owner of a butt will attest that most of what happens back there isn’t a choice. But is there any harm in some government guidelines that help me understand the big questions, like How? and Why? and Is this permanent? I don’t think so, and that’s why I need a Senator to draft up a law about my butt stat.


After all, who else will tell me what’s going on with my farts? The shape of my butt? The size and color of my poop? And is any of this classified information? Where is the government support?


Many people have told me that I’m wrong. They have questions about “legality,” “enforceability,” and “There’s no need for this, please stop holding rallies about your butt.” But they can just talk to my butt, who has no idea what the eff is going on right now. That’s because it’s a butt. And that’s the whole problem!



I encourage people to get involved with their government and call their representatives and show up to town halls. We need to let our politicians know that we have questions about our butts, and that the government needs to be there for us. After all, this is what the Founding Fathers intended. For American citizens to have some questions about butts and being able to have the government help a bitch out.


Body autonomy is extremely important, but so is nuance. That’s why I can admit that I don’t want the government to legislate my body—expect my butt. Please legislate my butt. It’s a mess down there!