As a woman in my twenties, it is my civic duty to attempt to better myself and write about my progress on the internet. This year, I’m doing away with one of my least healthy and most outdated habits: tanning! I used to spend days on end lying on the beach or under the ultraviolet lights of salon tanning beds, letting my skin bake until I was crispier than a dead beetle. But now, it’s time for me to make arbitrary changes to my life to prove that I’m an adult. It’s time to stop tanning once and for all.
Of course, it’s still important for me to look super-duper tan so that A, I look sexy as hell, and B, everyone will think I just got back from my parents’ timeshare in Turks and Caicos and want to marry me for my money. And so, I have made the mature, grown-up decision to start coloring in my skin with magic markers—and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. Here’s why:
According to science, UV rays penetrate our skin and can lead to cancer. Of course, sunblock helps, but how am I supposed to emit an aura of sexuality if I’m covered in white goo that keeps those rays from making me look healthy, even if they’re actually making me less healthy?!
Of course, some people say the sun is good for you because of Vitamin D. But I’ve got my own Vitamin D, except D stands for all the dick I’m getting because of how tan I look with my new colorful, magic markered arms.
2. It helps me feel creative.
Everyone is into adult coloring books these days. Me? I’m my own coloring book. Eat that, skin cancer!
3. Markers smell great!
In addition looking beautiful, I also smell like a delicious dessert. Have you ever sniffed those washable markers that smell like cinnamon? Well, let’s just say it turns out men are really attracted to women who smell like artificial cinnamon. The only downside to the cinnamon scent is that those markers are washable and the permanent markers don’t smell as delicious. But at least with the permanent markers everyone who comes near me gets really, really high. Not to mention I’m high all the time. Woo!
4. I look fucking amazing.
It’s not easy to look like a beautiful, Californian babe in the wintertime, when the cold and lack of sun destroys our souls and potential for men to find us attractive, but coloring my arms and body with magic markers has turned my life around. Highly recommend.