Why I Stopped Sleeping With Men Who Don’t Have Luxury Fish Tanks

I’ve spent countless years forfeiting my own sexual pleasure just to make men temporarily approve of me. At some point, I woke up and realized that I deserve more. Actually, that point was when one time I went home with this guy who sold an app and saw that one of his bedroom walls was a giant fish tank. Like, an entire fucking wall.


Now I refuse to backtrack. I’m never sleeping with a man again who doesn’t have a luxury fish tank.


The pleasure gap between my desires and what men manage to help me achieve is too large to ignore. As much as I try to bridge the gap, the socialized idea that I’m just another person that someone “scores” comes at my expense, and I’m fed up with lowering myself for some flicker of an intimate connection. And that’s why there’s not a chance in hell that I’m going back to sleeping with men who don’t have a private at-home aquarium.


It’s like the horniness of looking at yourself in the mirror while fucking, except there’s also the backdrop of oceanic wildlife.


I believe it was John Waters who famously said, “If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ’em!” But while this may be imperative to some nerds, I don’t need men to read me a bedtime story. What I need is to get railed in the presence of some striped fucks with fins by someone who acquires custom-made materials and probably makes seven digits.


Heteronormativity allows men to inherit the dominant role in a sexual encounter. The only way to counteract this “non-negotiable” Trojan Horse that causes us to reluctantly participate in the patriarchy is to hold onto power unless there’s a luxury fish tank. Ladies, if he doesn’t have rare exotic fish swimming along those bedroom walls, don’t let him in your walls.



Don’t beat yourself up if you need time live through these educational experiences. Personally, I’m embarrassed how long it took me to recognize my standards when it comes to sex. I’ve experimented with behaviors like trying to be the alpha and being assertive about what I want in the bedroom, but what really does it for me is knowing someone continuously pumps hundreds of gallons and hundreds of thousands of dollars into their home.


Say what you want about animals in captivity, but anyone with a luxury fish tank at home is technically fostering a high-end community. Plus, you have no idea if this is also turning those critters on. Aquaculture can be extremely erotic for everyone involved.