Breakups are hard – and especially in the age of social media, there are so many ways to do it. Some relationships don’t last long enough to warrant an in-person meeting, but texting can be so cold and sudden. That’s why, after careful deliberation, I decided to dump my latest fling over Venmo.
You know, the mobile payment app that people use to pay people back for lunch.
I spent so long agonizing over how to break up with this guy I’d been dating for three months. He was super nice, but I just wasn’t that interested. That’s when I was like, “Oh, I should just Venmo him like five bucks and also be like ‘Sorry dude but we’re through.’”
I figured it would lessen the blow to be dumped in such an atypical manner, like he’d be so surprised and confused he’d immediately get over it. Also, he could use the five bucks to buy a book or something. I don’t know; he loves books – just one of the things we don’t have in common (I’m more into my phone and stuff).
Also Venmo has a public newsfeed so all our friends would know that we’d broken up and then I wouldn’t have to explain myself to everyone. This part worked out really well!
Some of my friends have told me that I “wasn’t sensitive enough” or that “It’s literally insane to dump someone over a mobile payment app.” But I’m just happy I got it over with. To be honest, men get to do dumb shit like this all the time and women are forced to get over and move on.
And you know what the best part was? My Venmo post got a ton a likes! Well, it got seven likes, which is honestly huge for Venmo. The most likes I’d gotten previously on Venmo was four, when I split dinner with my friend but said the payment was for “my ass”.
All in all, I feel like a really dodged a bullet by breaking up with a totally decent by boring guy over Venmo, which is owned by Paypal and is a fast and secure way to share payments. I, for one, feel secure in my decision to avoid emotional attachment or responsibility in any form. Try it sometime!