In a developing story out of Brooklyn, NY, 23-year-old Dana Lister, who ritualistically posts about cum on social media, cannot figure out why she is still unemployed.
“I’ve applied to like 50 jobs in the past two months and I can’t seem to catch a break,” Dana told us. “I did manage to get maybe three interviews but always seem to get ghosted by recruiters after they run a background check on me.”
Dana, who also goes by @cumguzzler97 on Twitter, genuinely has no clue what could possibly be popping up on these background checks that turn employers away.
“I’ve never been to jail, never gotten so much as a speeding ticket, I pay my taxes, and I even graduated magna cum laude,” says Dana. “What could possibly be holding me back?”
“She averages about 30 cum posts a day. I know because I report each one,” Tamera, Dana’s Twitter mutual explains. “Like if you’re going to do that at least make a private spam account without your name on your page.”
While it is evident that these raunchy tweets are standing between Dana and financial security, we tracked down some of her former employers to confirm.
“I’ll give it to her; Dana was a brilliant social media manager. She grew our platform by thousands of followers,” says Sally Downes, Dana’s first college boss and head of university life. “But one day she mixed up her personal account with our company’s account and Tweeted a disturbing image of a man drinking milk with the caption ‘consume the cum’. Admissions dropped by 30% that year.”
Dana does not get what the big deal is.
“It’s 2021! Women should be allowed to express our sexual desires and make perverted jokes just like men without being exiled.”
Sources report that she then proceeded to Tweet “funny how I graduated magna cum laude but no man can ever make me cum louder than Robert Pattinson in The Lighthouse.”
We wish this sexually liberated woman luck on her job search!