White Friend Casually Shoplifting Again  

In a developing story out of Providence, RI, it has been reported that your white friend Alyssa is casually shoplifting, again.


“Aren’t these earrings cute?” said Alyssa, you both having just walked out of Madewell’s mall location without making a purchase. “I wasn’t about to pay $15 for them, but I couldn’t not have them!”



Alyssa, who is seemingly blind to the implications of getting caught stealing while shopping with you, a black person, went on to nonchalantly take items from stores without paying.


“Oh my god this would look so cute on you!” said Alyssa, boldly holding up a graphic tee she stole from American Eagle while sitting at the Orange Julius only 15 feet from its entrance. “I should’ve gotten one for you too.”


“Wait actually, what’s your size? I’ll grab something that’ll fit you next time,” she added, admittedly very generously.


After a third shoplift attempt nearly ended in only your arrest, you were forced to explain to Alyssa that when you enter a store, all eyes are on you to make sure you don’t steal. This, unfortunately, only egged her on.



“I totally get what you’re saying, and racism is so fucked up,” Alyssa said. “But hear me out: what if you play the whole black thing up and let them follow you and I’ll take stuff for us while they’re not paying attention.”


“Woah, think of the possibilities!” she added, while you wondered why you still hang out with her.