A new study published in The Dartmouth Behavioral Journal appears to confirm what many experts have long believed to be true: that y’all are fake as hell and were never my real friends.
The study, which began in June of 2017 at The Adkins Research Center and ended when y’all stood me the fuck up at the Cheesecake Factory last Friday, found that though y’all can act cool and nice in isolated instances, the data overwhelmingly proves that y’all are, in fact, “so fake it’s literally crazy.”
Among chief researchers conducting the study were Dr. Jane Lee Price of Stanford University and Meaghyn K. who used to hang out with y’all until that big fight last year during February Break when y’all uninvited her to the ski trip at Tyler’s dad’s timeshare in North Carolina.
“Of course with such a potentially volatile topic, we had to take extraordinary care to examine our findings critically and without bias,” Dr. Price explained at a press conference earlier today.
“Um, just piggybacking off that I call it like it is and I just wanna say that y’all are snakes,” said Meaghyn K., grabbing the microphone from Dr. Price and shouting directly into it.
“She’s correct,” added Dr. Price. “Our data did overwhelmingly conclude that y’all are ‘snakes’ and also ‘fake as hell.’”
Inevitably, the study is not without its detractors, including Professor Violet Chen of The National Institute of Health who claims some stupid shit that I’m not even gonna include here because you know what? She straight up doesn’t know me or what y’all have put me through. Remember when y’all said everyone was busy with family plans on Halloween weekend and then I saw pics on social of y’all in a group fucking costume? Yeah, news flash! I found out about that.
And despite study’s relatively recent timeframe, there’s evidence that y’all’s fakeness goes back even further, starting as early as when y’all spread that rumor behind my back that I got mono from making out with that guy who works at the go-kart track and never lost his baby teeth.
At time of this article’s publication, the study’s research team has not yet commented on whether or not my friends from my old school were as fake as y’all, though there remains significant speculation that they were. Except for Whitney, Declan, Ansleigh, Kyle F. and maybe Kyle R. though honestly he’s been acting kinda fake lately so we’ll see.