In a not very shocking story out of Acushnet, Massachusetts, your hometown friend Dana Wedley has reminded you yet again that she could never, ever live in a big city.
“They’re just so…big and overwhelming,” said Dana, like she does every time she brings this up. “I don’t know how people live in giant cities like that. I could never!”
Dana, who was born and raised in Acushnet, went to college a few towns over, and then immediately returned, went on to tell you her thoughts on living in a major metropolitan area, like she’s done so many times before.
“All the noise, all the people, the prices, ugh!” said Dana, even though you didn’t ask. “It’s just too much for me! I need parking lots and like, kindness, you know?”
“Besides, I could never be so far away from my family,” she added, not even trying to hide the condescension.
Mutual friends are tired of hearing about Dana’s big city hesitations.
“She just starts talking about it anytime you’re home visiting,” said James Collins-Reed. “She never brings it up otherwise. It’s like she’s…spiteful? I don’t understand it.”
“I like Acushnet, don’t get me wrong,” said Kenna McGill. “But I’m forced to be here because I had my kids at a young age. I’d love to move to the big city for awhile if I had the chance.”
Other sources report that your hometown friend simply never felt brave enough to leave the place she’s been her whole life – but that’s not how Dana is spinning it.
“I know you’re one of those people who thrives on stress and grime and chaos,” she said, unprovoked. “I just can’t keep up! Call me crazy, but I guess I’m just a quaint little small town girl.”
“I can still come visit you for a weekend sometime though, right?” Dana added. “I really want to go to Eataly!”