My husband and I are just one of many couples who had to change plans because of the Coronavirus. Though an exotic trip was out of reach, we found a way to celebrate locally that took some of the sting out of our canceled plans. We realized we didn’t need some exotic locale to celebrate the union of two souls—all we needed was a little public sloppy gloppy under park picnic shelter #5.
Though we were sad to miss out on a tropical vacation, there were several upsides to taking our honeymoon in the local park: For example, our loved ones were able to participate in our erotic celebration in a way they never would’ve been able to otherwise. Our friends and family formed a protective circle around us with their cars, shielding us from the prying eyes of park employees and bringing us to a bone-rattling climax with their horns.
Had we gone on the honeymoon we’d planned, we would’ve been confined to our hotel room. Instead, we got to be fucked up in every part of the park. We weren’t tied down to one room, or one bed. We were tying each other up on the bike racks, tumbling nude down the slides, juicing each other dry under a 200-year old maple tree. There was no need to buy plane tickets, pay for expensive drinks, or even get a permit. All we had to do was outrun the guy who kept asking us if we had a permit.
A great marriage is built on communication, and there’s nothing that’ll test a couple’s communication like a last-minute change of plans or role-playing doctor/patient in a crowded wading pool. After all, love isn’t about grand gestures or huge expenses, it’s about that drippy drippy in a place where you can definitely get arrested. Great love is flexible enough to adapt to changed plans or investigate the sexual possibilities of a tire swing.
Coronavirus changed everything for people worldwide. Millions of couples were left to pick up the pieces of our long-dreamt of plans. It wasn’t easy, but with enough imagination, lubrication, props, costumes, stretching, and a topographical map of the park, we were able to have the fluid-soaked fever dream we always wanted—right here at home.
