What To Do Now That You’ve Seen ‘Atomic Blonde’ And Killed Three Men

The weekend is fast approaching, and you need plans! We know that you’ve already seen the smash blockbuster hit Atomic Blonde, starring Academy Award winner Charlize Theron. We also know that after you exited the theater, you were so fired up with badass female empowerment that you mistook some construction workers in an alley for rogue Kremlin agents and efficiently dispatched (murdered) them with several well-placed karate chops to the spine. So what is there to do now? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered!


Head to the beach.

Shake off that violent encounter by heading to the beach and catching some rays. Now that summer is winding down, and you just went on a feminist-inspired murderous rampage, you’ve got to make the most of your free time, and also go somewhere where you can blend in with a crowd of people. Plus there’s the added benefit of getting lots of eyes on you, thereby establishing a more concrete alibi! Aw, you probably shouldn’t have killed those men!


Cook a nice dinner for one.

If you’re not feeling the beach, cooking a nice dinner at home will take your mind off the fact that you just murdered three men in cold blood because you were so inspired by Charlize Theron murdering the shit out of hundreds of men. Stop by the grocery store, pick up a few ingredients, then treat yourself to a nice evening of grilled tilapia and red wine. After you’ve finished chilling the wine in the cooler, you can submerge your raw, bloody fists in the ice to help alleviate the pain. Just like your hero, Charlize Theron!


Take a candle-lit bath.

We get it. Your nerves are frayed. Of course they are! You roundhouse kicked a man in the windpipe earlier today. Well, nothing will calm your frazzled mind like a soothing, candlelit bath. Just make sure to triple check that the bathroom door is locked before you begin! You learned from the movie that resting, even for a moment, leaves you vulnerable to attacks. Letting their guard down is how agents get made in the field, much like those three men let their guard down on a break before going home to their families at the end of the workday.



Give yourself a makeover!!

As the sirens outside your apartment grow louder and louder, maybe the best thing to do on your night off is perform a spontaneous self-makeover! Go ahead and chop your hair off over the sink, and bleach your naturally dark hair shock-white. Put on some big sunglasses and a baseball cap and voila! A new you. Your boyfriend won’t even recognize you! And neither will the police, hopefully.


You’re definitely going to want to chill out and decompress after taking in the suprememly awesome Atomic Blonde and also murdering three men. But of course, sometimes the best way to relax is at the movies. Maybe just scrap the self care and grab yourself a ticket to a late showing of Atomic Blonde.Bask in the hardcore violence-porn Charlize lays out for you for two hours and afterwards, maybe cold-cock the male usher then run away! You go girl!