How to Sit On The Couch and Demand He Bring You Tea Like The Mariah Carey You Are

Every woman has a little Mariah Carey inside of her. An inner “I don’t know her” who won’t even pretend to dance when she’s being carried onstage horizontally by six sailors in muscle tees. And winter is the perfect time to embrace your inner Mariah while you sit on the couch drinking tea like a tired queen. Here’s how to demand he bring it to you:


Scream, “I’m on vocal rest!”

You’re not on vocal rest really, and you’re not a vocalist, but sometimes there’s no better way to make your point than by screaming at someone about how you can’t talk right now and need a hot cup of tea. If he doesn’t get it, he doesn’t deserve your curvy ass and high breasts.


Offer to get it yourself and then stand up very slowly in your stilettos adjusting your little dress.

One way to encourage him to get the lead out, is by emphasizing how difficult it would be for you to do so. This living room is carpeted and you are in heels 24/7 for some reason, and you cannot be trifled by this fucking tea.


Whine incessantly.

A well-timed (constantly timed) uhghnnn, can work wonders on a man who doesn’t understand why you need tea and why it is his job to get it for you. No whistle register needed – just make the worst sounds you can muster and he’ll be spoon-feeding you honey and lemon in no time.



Find your angles and setup proper lighting.

No one is getting tea for your lazy ass if you’re backlit or under some heinous overhead fluorescents. Dim the lights, pop an elbow out, cock your head to the side and say softly, “Tea, baby.”


When it comes to getting tea, every girl should have a chance to be a tea princess. So cop these skills from Mariah and live that sweet, sweet fantasy.