It’s a situation that can happen to any writer: One minute you’re getting hot and heavy with your man, the next he suddenly goes limp. Having to give up on sex for the evening, you pull out your laptop to get some work done on that think piece that’s due tomorrow, when he suddenly turns on the waterworks, terrified of what you’ll write about him. Don’t worry! Here’s what to do if your boyfriend can’t get hard and begs you not to write a think piece about it.
Explain that it’s perfectly normal.
A lot of guys have trouble maintaining erections during sex, and there’s nothing wrong with that. A lot of girls also write think pieces about their boyfriends being unable to maintain erections, and there’s nothing wrong with that either. Make it clear to your man that you love him, but that you also have every right to draw from your experience to write a relatable essay for modern women. That’s just how this trendy new first-person form of journalism works!
Reassure him that his privacy matters to you.
To protect your boyfriend’s anonymity, give him a pseudonym in your article. For example, if his name is Matthew change it to *Natthew, and make sure to use an asterisk so you’re really clarifying it’s not him. Then touch him gently on the shoulder and say something reassuring like, “No one will even know this is about you, except for all of our friends and families and anyone who’s ever seen us together.” That should make him feel more comfortable about you publically airing his and his penis’s personal business!
Encourage him to write his own think piece.
If your boyfriend feels scared of you writing about how he failed to get hard, encourage him to write his own think piece. This should help him feel like he’s taking some of his power back, whereas right now he knows that this piece about his sexual failure to launch will probably go viral on some online women’s lifestyle site. Plus, the reflection time may help his penis issue!
Lie.
Look, when all else fails you’re going to have to lie, especially if you’re a sex column writer who needs new material. Just tell your boyfriend, “Fine.” That should end the conversation almost 100% of the time. Then you can get right back to outlining!
Your boyfriend may be begging you not to write a think piece about how he couldn’t get it up, but you must write the think piece anyway if you want to be a successful freelance writer in this competitive economy. Just follow this guide to handle the situation with tact and poise.
