Do you find that you spend so much time hating yourself that you have no time to help others? Why don’t you try losing some weight while you do it? We all know that losing 10-15 pounds can solve every problem, including the poor standards of living caused by the economic and social injustices in your community. Here’s your hot guide on how to give back and help others, all while losing weight fast!
Get some cardio by chasing shelter dogs.
Volunteer to walk giant dogs at your local animal shelter to reach your FitBit goal of 10,000 steps. Think of all the fun selfies you can take of you and the doggies while you sweat! To reach your target heart rate, simply let all the dogs off of their leashes and proceed to chase them. Don’t worry if you can’t find all of the dogs – it’s not like they have owners who will miss them.
Donate all your food to the food pantry.
This means ALL your food – even the healthy stuff. Kale has calories too, you know! Give up your yogurts, your salads, and even those Lean Cuisines you bought at the 24-hour CVS at two in the morning. This is a great way to give back by helping others eat the calories that you have deprived yourself of.
Give your fat clothes to the homeless.
Get rid of anything with an elastic waistband. It’s for a good cause—to make you suffer in your tight clothes until you lose the weight! The razor-sharp edge of your skinny jeans slicing into your muffin-top, will keep you away from actual muffin-tops. Instead think of that one Seinfeld episode about muffin-tops and the homeless people to whom they gave the muffin-stumps. Just think… the selfless donation of your 2003-era Juicy Couture sweatpants with the velour rubbed raw at the thighs could be your “muffin-stumps.” You’re so brave!
Tutor disadvantaged children in calorie-counting.
Children, even disadvantaged ones, need to know the importance of nutrition and self-hatred. Sadly, they are not innate and must be taught. Calorie counting is an important activity because it combines both of these advanced studies. The children will thank you for sharing what you know!
Pick up trash while doing lunges.
Try not to think about the candy or chips that used to be in the empty wrappers that litter the shoulder of the highway. Instead, fire up those quads while you pick up trash. The worthless trash should remind you of your ex and fuel your amazing new ass. Go, girl!
Volunteer at a religious organization where they do lots of fasting.
Religions do a lot of good things for communities, like offer support and shame in times of need. Since fasting is an important part of many religions, consider adopting several belief systems to work as diet plans while volunteering at their community events. You can dabble in Islam and Catholicism if you need to do some light fasting, but if you need to lose more than 10-15 pounds, consider becoming a Hasidic Jew. If you just join them all, there should be enough religious reasons to fast throughout the year. In addition to several fasting days, think of all the hair-weight you could lose just by shaving your head!
With this plan you’re guaranteed to lose that spare tire while gaining a whopping sense of smug self-importance. You deserve it!