Your BFF’s fiancé is literally the worst, most disappointing excuse for a human in the entire world. This dude sucks balls so hard that even your most non-judgmental mutual friends muse, “He’s not for me, but if he makes her happy that’s all that matters.” But as her official best friend, the blame falls squarely on YOU for not nipping this dude in the bud after he showed up two hours late for their second date, just to take her out for dollar pizza. With the wedding days away, the window to verbally warn your bestie has closed, but don’t panic! The following non-verbal workarounds will allow you to don your J.Crew bridesmaid dress knowing that at least on some level you’ve expressed your hateful feelings towards her alleged soul mate:
1. Amnesia: Let her know Gary is unmemorable by forgetting who he is. Constantly. Whether helping her write seating charts or her wedding vows, any time she utters his name simply take a pause, tilt your head to the right, and slightly squint your eyes.
2. An Anonymous Letter: Consider expressing your feelings simply and honestly in a letter: an anonymous, ominous, cobbled-together-from-cut-out-magazine-letters letter. This paranoia-inducing message will definitely keep her up all night re-thinking her life decisions! She’ll definitely get that veiled threat of being held hostage is exactly what has happened to her in this relationship. For the past two years, she’s been held captive by a chinless boring freak who’s brainwashed her into thinking she’s a Nets fan and loves ultimate Frisbee.
3. A Slideshow: If your bestie is a visual learner, this is the best method for you to remind her how great life was Before Gary Ruined Everything. Prepare a fun slideshow to unveil at the engagement party. Scour FB for pictures of Gary being chauvinistic, immature, racist, or boring (that won’t be hard). Next, add TONS of her having fun/looking very photogenic and hot from B.G.R.E. If you’re feeling ballsy, throw in a few of her with her ex and practice your “Whoops! How did those get in there?” face. She’ll be longing for the time before she lost her soul to a 5’6” Applebee’s manager in no time.
4. A ‘Don’t Do It’ Flash Mob: A wise man once said, “If you can’t say it, sing it. And if you can’t sing it, dance it.” Don’t let the thought of organizing dancers, location and precision-choreography deter you. Gather some local lunatics via Craigslist, select a song she used to like and now can’t stand and kick-ball-change your heart out in a way that says, “It’s not too late to ditch him & I’ll take his place on that already-paid-for honeymoon.”
Please note: the most insecure or stubborn of BFF’s will make it to the altar regardless of your efforts, but console yourself with a hidden bouquet flask knowing you tried. You will support your Best Friend Forever no matter what. You will be there for her in richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, and most certainly on the day she flees her marriage and you meet her at LaGuardia to be together forever.