In news that will make you stand up in your chair, shake a fist at the sky, and yell, “YEAH!”, 25-year-old Hannah McDermott just said, “Wait, how do we determine if the groundhog sees his shadow on Groundhog Day?” which proves she’s finally waking the fuck up.
Hannah has spent the last 25 years of her life blindly believing in the state-sponsored lie that if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow on February 2nd, there will be six more weeks of winter.
“I already knew it wasn’t an exact science and that the fun of the thing lie in its whimsical nature,” Hannah told reporters, sounding dumb as fuck. “I had accepted that if Phil saw his shadow, maybe it wouldn’t be exactly six more weeks of winter, but it would be around there. And then I found myself saying it out loud and realized, wait, how can we know what Punxsutawney Phil perceives?”
Exactly the right question, comrade.
“Is there some sort of eye tracking device? Is there someone who knows Phil well enough to know whether he is seeing the shadow cast on the ground beside him?” Hannah continued, clearly unspooling the thread of lies now. “Is it all a fucking ruse? Do they take me for a fool?”
By “they,” Hannah later clarified she meant “the US government.”
Following the thread of this thinking, reporters reached out to the US State Department for comment, but a representative responded with a letter demanding they cease and desist. Three days later, a mysterious man in a fedora and sunglasses broke the back windows of Hannah’s car.
What the people in power are hiding, we may never know.
Hannah was getting closer to the truth, and she knew it. She went to the house of former Punxsutawney Phil caretaker Bryan Creeger to look for more answers, but when she rang the doorbell, Bryan stood shrouded in darkness in his doorway and refused to come clean. He said nothing but, “Go on now, get,” and slammed the door.
As of press time, Hannah was at last informed by a simple Google search that Punxsutawney Phil only “sees his shadow” if it’s a clear day and “doesn’t see his shadow” if it’s overcast, so the whole thing is pretty much just dependent on the weather.
Turns out, everyone who seemed suspicious was, in fact, simply scared. The more you know!
